Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

The long road...

2006-07-10T21:16:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time two souls met whilst traveling along "the road", they met at a junction and sat for a while enjoying life with each other, communicating, laughing and exploring the routes they could take.

They seemed perfect for each other - one of them wanted to be needed and the other needed to be wanted. So they decided to travel along the road together, as man and wife. But as with all stories things happened and choices were given, decisions were agreed upon and life choices were made - or at leasts that's what one of the souls thought. The other soul didn't agree with the choices but kept quiet and because of the silence the misunderstandings grew - the communicating, laughing and exploring stopped and resentment and despondency started.

The souls should have been grown up enough to accept the end of their traveling together, they should have parted company and travelled along thier own road, but along the way they had been joined by a little soul and they thought they could paper over the cracks in their particular road of choice.

Sadly even with the sunlight the little soul brought the rain still thrashed down hard on them and one night in a car park they spewed forth their contempt and hatred, hurt, fists, nails, teeth and anger abounded.

The two souls sat in sadness again at another junction and finally agreed that whilst they loved the little soul deeply they just didn't love each other enough to change: the soul who needed to be wanted was left wanting and the soul who wanted to be needed was left needing. This is the way of the road, its sad but true.

I am left neither lost, confused or looking for inspiration. I know which route I need to take, I have clarity and have found inspiration in my little soul.

I think this could be the end of this blog.

It all makes sense...

2006-06-14T14:26:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when my world seemed to be tumbling into confussion and I didnt know which route, road or path I was supposed to be travelling down I would sit and get drunk and at the bottom of a bottle I would find oblivion or sometimes if I was really lucky solace.

Now Ive found if I just sit and do this

when I look down into his face the world suddenly makes sense.

Cat on a hot tin window.

2006-06-09T21:32:00.000+01:00

I heard a thum, a thud, a scuffle - I thought a bird had flown into the open window.

But when I looked out of the window I saw this

I think she thought she could fool the birds into thinking she was just another feathered friend.

Its amazing how superior a cat can look, whilst your helping her get down from a difficult spot!

Ahh drunk and disorderly...

2006-06-02T21:24:00.000+01:00

Should I apologies for my outburst or just put it down to hormones. Should I ignore the way I felt, especially as I was drunk, or is it time I actually faced reality and did what I need to do.

I'm not even sure what it is I need to do. I think I do but then I think again and its a different thought. Its a sad and scary world we are living in, one full of half truths and words unspoken. One full of hurt and silences.

Awww I've no idea what to do, how to make it better, I'm just stuck in this little life trying to make sure the bread doesn't land butter down too often.

I could rock the boat, but I'm not, currently, strong enough to live this life on my own. I don't know how to say the words. I don't even know if I want to.

Bugger -life goes on as they say.

Creation Vs TV

2006-05-30T00:18:00.000+01:00

I spend 40 minutes each day with a machine sucked on my tit so my husband can "feed" our child, gaining together time, bonding...

Its not uncomfortable, but it aint pretty... But I do it.. cause I felt it was important for K and my wee one to have time together...

Tonight I have sat watching K feeding the wee one whilst he, K watched TV, occasionally looking at the little guy, his main interest however was on the google box.

I felt demeaned and drunk, I felt sad and why, I felt wasted! I AM WASTED!

I've prepared a formula bottle, because I knew I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And then K told me I was drunk. I was but we didn't talk about why I was drunk, we didn't talk about what we would do now I was drunk for Dylan. K just left the room, in a supercilious I'm sober walk and left.

So I sit here drunk, unable to feed my baby, and totally crap, I am a fat ****, I am unloveable, am sleazy, incapable of looking after a baby...........I'm left with nothing!

Is it starting again?

2006-05-22T09:08:00.000+01:00

We spent the weekend in Cumbria with my oldest brother Shaun and his lovely girlfriend Jo. They are just such an amazing couple and it made me realise how far down the bad road K and I really have traveled.

Their relationship started pretty much the same time as ours and although they have gone the climbing mountains and canoeing route rather than the marriage and baby route they have maintained a relationship that is based on respect and admiration.

They still sit on the couch together and tactually stroke feet, hands, arms when talking. Hey lets face it they talk to each other and it seems even when they argue they still listen to what the other person is saying.

And the thing that really hit me was how much laughter they share.

It made me feel very sad!

Body Image

2006-05-15T20:44:00.000+01:00

Its an accepted fact that most women hate their bodies, or if your like me several parts of their bodies. Other than my boobs, my pet hate was my stomach - I always wanted one of those flat, six pack type bellies, but I was blessed with a rounded kangaroo pouch, not a big wobbly belly, but I've a rounded 'Rubenesk' belly.

However having had my belly stretched over nine months, with a sudden "expulsion" I'm left with a real jelly belly and to add insult to injury stretch marks that could compete with a road map of England.

My clothes that should fit don't fit cause my body shape has changed and I'm slowly having to adjust to this change. I have to admit its hard, there are times when I look at photos of myself and shudder - hence the reason there have been no pics of me and Dylan. I mainly delete them after seeing myself in them - Vain but true!

However it dawned on me last night whilst I sat feeding Dylan that in years to come he might want to look back and see pics of us. Surely he will love me, no matter what I look like - I'm his mommie.

So here it is - the first pic of me and my baby!!!

Mobiles are the devils toys

2006-05-04T13:20:00.000+01:00

And I cant deal with them!

My mobile battery died over the weekend, so I phoned my mobile supplier - Orange - and after a rather lovely chat I got a new battery sent out to me and an upgrade on my mobile. I was told it would take 3-4 working days for them to arrive, but they arrived on Monday so I rushed full of glee to collect my new toys.

I spent the afternoon charging and updating my phone book. I entered all my numbers - cause I hadn't saved the numbers to the sim card only the phone - and I sat staring at my new "internet, Bluetooth, gps gadget" phone. Feeling generous I offered my old phone to a friends son and dutifully cleared off all my details from the old phone.

Then, as most of us do - admit it you do it too - I began pressing buttons. I know I should have read the book and followed the destructions but hey ho, I'm a putertutor and I know about these things....

Yep you guessed it, in my enthusiastic button pressing I pressed the "return phone to factory settings" and it did. It got rid of all my phone numbers, it got rid of all the pictures and music I had downloaded, it got rid of all my preferences!!!

The word "Whhhhhaaaaaaa" comes to mind, but I'm bigger and better than that. So "huff!"

If I don't call you over the next couple of weeks, please call me, cause yours is probably one of the numbers I didn't put in my phone book spreadsheet the last time I lost my phone.

Men - cant live with them

2006-04-20T21:02:00.000+01:00

Cant live with them...

K is doing the shopping, has been doing it for months now and each time he does it there is something brought home that really makes me want to scream.

I know I should be grateful that he is doing the shop but today he brought home a ten pound back of potatoes, we don't use that many spuds in a month and have almost no storage space for vegetables and eggs that came from CAGED CHICKENS!!!

I didn't even know that supermarkets stocked eggs that come from caged chickens, its barbaric, its nasty, its cruel.

I'm gong to have to wait until tomorrow to throw them away. When I asked him about them he just said "they were big eggs, the writing so bloody small how am I supposed to read it".

Men, can't live with them....

Whoopee - my brothers home!!

2006-04-19T21:32:00.000+01:00

Yes, he's a man, but he's my bro and he's back from the Gulf. Only for a week or two then he goes back out to annoy Americans, teach Iraqis how to swear and run the bar - or at least that's what he tells us he is doing!

Mum nearly had a heart attack when he walked through the door, dad had been keeping it a secret.

On meeting his nephew he asked "what else does he do?" but he has been know to answer the question "Do you like babies" with "Yes, fried they are lovely, not too sure I agree with liquidising them though!" I know he doesn't mean it though cause when he thought no one was looking he took Dylans little hands in his and smiled!!!

Easter - without eggs

2006-04-17T20:50:00.000+01:00

Easter came and so did Malcolm - he called late last week and K invited him up as he was in the area visiting friends.

I was going to talk to K about ensuring that he helped out but we've been fairly clashy this last week or so that I backed down and kept my mouth shut. Usually when we have visitors I'm the one that does all the "entertaining", all the cooking, all the making sure the guest is happy, but with Dylan on the scene I knew my priorities would be elsewhere.

I just figured I would see where things went. Malcolm arrived and an Indian was ordered (no cooking for me - hooray). Rosie had hurt her foot so K and Malcolm took off to the vets, it cost us £133.00 for them to tell us she was okay and give us some drops. I meanwhile changed the bedding and tidied the room Malcolm was staying in.

Sunday came and after carrying out the 7am feed and entertaining Dylan for an hour Malcolm woke up, K was sleeping, so I made him breakfast and we chatted waiting for K to wake. I prepared lunch and K and Malcolm headed out for a bit of a walk. I got Dylan down and napped myself. The guys returned around 3pm having gone for a walk and having a couple of pints. I then prepared dinner.

Monday we headed out: firstly to Mothercare to sort out the suit Malcolm had brought for Dylan, without realising it it still had the shop security tag on it. Then down to the Millenniumm Bridge (locally known as the Winking eye). As we got parked up Dylan began to cry and it was here that we discovered Dylans dummy was not with us. Kdidn'tt seem to think it was a problem that I spent the next 40 mins sat with my finger in his mouth whilst Malcolm and he enjoyed a pint!!!

Basically I'm pissed off at him for doing what I knew he was going to do , butI'm actually more pissed off at myself for letting him!!!

Grrrr - shopping and us!

2006-04-13T20:43:00.000+01:00

K was off work today, what with it being a bank holiday an all, so I thought it would be a nice idea if we went shopping as a family. I loaded the baby bag, got Dylan dressed and secured in the car and we set off.

It took me a while to find a trolley that allowed us to wheel Dylan round in the car seat, so much so that K went off into the shop. Having found a trolley and found K we had to load the stuff he had in his trolley into mine, why was that such a big deal.

We then plodded round the shop doing the usual stuff, him buying cheap, me taking it out of the trolley and buying the brands I actually like. Other than grunting at each other we hardly spoke!
Then at the cash register all hell broke out when I suggested K should have remembered an item, because we had been talking about it that morning. He yelled at me to "shut up". Then when we got in the car he informed me that "I was never going shopping with him again". There were a few more expletives in there but that was the gist.

So not only cant we talk to each other about the baby, but now we cant even do something as simple as a shop - Ive spent the day reading in the bedroom and he is watching TV!!

My Husbands an alien...

2006-04-02T16:37:00.000+01:00

Yep, its true, this morning K got up and without any nagging he did all the ironing AND cleaned the bathrooms - even the little one.

I was in a state of shock. Since moving back into the caravan its the first time he has done anything, apart from cooking a dinner the first Sunday we moved in. I've tried not to say anything but he was really pee'd with me when I joked with mum that he had obviously been taken over by an alien.

So once again we are not really speaking - but hey-ho what's new!

Mothering Sunday

2006-03-26T20:12:00.000+01:00

On Thursday night, whilst feeding Dylan at 3am in the morning, I espied a DVD on his bouncy chair, it was ' The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - Chronicles of Narnia'. I thought maybe K had brought it when he did the shop so thought nothing more of it, other than to tut and wonder why he hadn't even bothered to put the bally thing away.

On Friday evening he announced it was from Dylan - Yippeee my first mommies day present.

I got another present off the girls, Rosie and Tina. On the step of the caravan was a beautifully presented full sized rabbit. It was laid out so nicely it looked like it had actually been placed there by a human. I was going to take a pic, but thought it was perhaps a little gruesome. I thanked the girls and gave them some extra catnip.

My mommie loved her flowers, especially the Lilly from Dylan.

A rather yummy day, all in all!!

Friends - what would I do without them!

2006-03-25T15:25:00.000Z

Ahhh, In attempting to get my blog up to date I wrote bits and pieces out whilst I had no internet, so what folks have been seeing are what I affectionately term "the early days".

Hx and Milky both called me up today after reading my early entries on this site and Dylans Diaries to offer support and telephone hugs.

I feel loved - thanks guys!!!!

I am a stroppy, hormonal cow!

2006-03-18T12:38:00.000Z

Well I took the bull by the horns last night and approached K. I apologised for being a complete cow, I admitted to being a real hormonal wreck and asked for his understanding. He graciously accepted my apology and we hugged.

I then apologised to mum and dad, who laughed at me and said it was totally normal and they knew I didn't mean it, most of the time.

I felt better for apologising. Its almost like I've accepted this bad bit of me and in admitting that I'm not in control, not totally together, not able to "be happy all the time" that I can move on and deal with things.

I'm not saying I've suddenly become a nice, smiley person. Even today, after finding a little bit of peace with K, I snapped at him because he wasn't putting Dylan's nappy on properly (properly being my way). We obviously still have issues we need to deal with and I still feel unable to really talk to him, each time I try it seems we end up snapping even more but there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel - and we all know that no matter how long the road or how dark the tunnel a Llama is always bigger than a frog.

Arghhhh

2006-03-10T20:32:00.000Z

I keep reading about "the joys of motherhood", but the last two or three days have been pretty much pain and tears (Dylans Diary reveals all the gory details). Im snapping left, right and every which way at almost everyone, especially K - who is responding by not talking to me.

I'm getting so much contradictory information from everyone and feel like Im running in circles, wailing in confusion.

Added to this, the telephone line at the caravan has been cut and the site owners are being complete gits and saying that we will not be able to get it reconnected - WAHAHAHAHAA!

My first Visitor

2006-03-08T19:22:00.000Z

Jo came to visit today, she is just one of those people who infuse me with love and encouragement. Sol, her little boy, is just full of smiles and giggles. As she stood holding Dylan cooing and rocking I was awed by her confidence, one day I too will be this way!

She said something really special which set me to to thinking. Life at the moment is all about arms and who is holding who. "I have in my arms Dylan and I should be spending all my time protecting, loving and holding him. K should have his arms around Dylan and I, he should be spending his time protecting, loving and holding us and then there is our friends and family who circle K, Dylan and I, protecting, loving and holding us safe".

Things seem to be clicking with Dylan, I'm feeling kinda confident today, still sitting on my bouncy ball because things down below are UNBELIEVABLY painful, but other than that things seem to be coming together.

Trailer Trash Hell.

2006-03-07T21:28:00.000Z

Okay, I know I'm hormonal, but geeze talk about bad news following bad not only have we got a leaky pipe and no water, but now the phone line has been cut off. We are definitely not moving back into the trailer this week.

In a way I'm glad because living at home right now is a godsend. Having Dad and mum around has been really special. Mum has proved to be a complete star and is really helping me deal with these first few days. Just as I'm thinking "God I'm hungry" a sandwich appears and mum takes Dylan from me and says "eat".

Just when I feel my eyes closing as I'm rocking him to sleep, desperate for sleep, her arms embrace me and she takes him from me. "Get your head down for an hour, I'll entertain him for a while".

As much as we have our differences I really don't think I could have gotten through this week without her!!!!

Dad, comes home each night and offers words of wisdom, encouragement and Grandie time. As soon as he has Dylan in his arms they both nod off, two old men in the wisdom of sleep. Then each morning he asks in whispers how things have been through the night, encouraging me with a daddy kiss and a "your doing great" wink.

Moving out of this loving embrace scares me. K and I are still not really 100%. It doesn't seem to matter how we start talking to each other, we generally end up being cold and aloof. The really sad thing is that we both have so much love to give and this is obvious when we are talking to Dylan, our voices soften and we become loving and caring in touch. I can't seem to get on top of my own emotions when dealing with K, if only I could, if only he could!

I'm in love.

2006-03-06T17:25:00.000Z

This afternoon I lay on the bed with Dylan nestled against me, his small fists needing my chest and his mouth snuffling into my neck, the sun shone through the window onto his up turned face and I was engulfed by a feeling of absolute love.

I'm not dealing particuarly well with feeding - its not the most natural thing in the world!Changing - How can a baby with only four limbs wiggle so much and Crying - how do you tell what he wants? (see Dylan's Diaries).

I'm crying lots and feeling totally unsure of myself most of the time but at times like this - Well it all feels so right.

Breast feeding.

2006-03-04T12:30:00.000Z

I have big boobs so kinda figured that breast feeding would come easy.

Pah, Poohey and pish! Little Dylan can hard get latched on without being suffocated by boob. Who would have thought that a week ago my primary concern was getting a guy to love my boobs!!!

Oh and for those who dont know, breast feeding - it hurts!!!!

Why not have a look at Dylans Diary to see how things progress

He's Here!!!

2006-03-03T18:46:00.000Z

I know its been some time, like over a month, but I've been kinda busy, that said I'm ecstatic to announce the arrival of Dylan Anthony Browning, born 3rd March at 6.46, 8lb.1oz.

The last two weeks or so have been totally mad and will be blogged about, but I'm adjusting to nappies, feeding and sleepless nights. Even with all that I spend most of the time looking at this little human being with a huge grin on my face.

For more information see Dylan's Diary

The fat bird - gets fatter

2006-02-07T09:11:00.000Z

I'm giving in to demands and finally posting a picture of the BELLY!

I'm loathe to do this as I already feel huge, ungainly and somewhat self conscious, but there are some out there who don't believe my belly has surpassed my boobs!

Living proof!!!!

I'm sulking

2006-02-05T14:21:00.000Z

Last week I was upset by remarks made by those who are supposed to be closest to me. So I've spent the week sulking. Only no one seems to realise I'm sulking!

Conversations run like "Are you okay, you seem a bit down"
Sulky Me - "No, I'm fine" *sniff, as if you care*

And life continues in its normal vein. I used to consider myself a great sulker, but I think I must have lost my sulking ability. A week on I've got to decide if I'm wasting my time, attempting to show I'm hurt by not talking.

I've spent alot of this weekend contemplating my options, but I'm not really sure what I want, or how I want to resolve the issues that were raised.

So if someone could just wave a magic wand I'd be very grateful!!!

Two Weeeeheee's in one day!!!

2006-01-26T10:21:00.000Z

First Weeeeheeeee!

Today is the birthday of Hooch, Hx, Hels, H! She wont thank me for saying how old she is, so lets say she is older than

Lisa Marie

But younger than LL J Cool.

Whatever her age, I'm wishing her a bally fabtastic day.

************************************************************************************

The Second Weeeeheeeee!

Yesterday I went to see Alison, my Midwife, armed with facts figures and the belief that I was entitled to a home birth, no mater her preferences. She agreed, without any fight, argument or real discussion....

So that's it. TripleB, unless there are complications (And there are still lots of reason why I wont be allowed a home birth - but not thinking about these yet, cause Im doing great as is TripleB), will be born at home!

God I'm so excited!

NCT Classes - its a support group with bellies.

2006-01-24T15:40:00.000Z

Well last night I attended by first NTC Class, I made the executive decision to pay for antenatal classes rather than relying on the NHS version and I think I've made the right choice. The group takes place above a lovely shop called Paper Treasures, which is full of yummies of varying types and will probably cost me a fortune every time I go in there.

Janine, the woman who runs the class, greeted each couple with a huge smile and a compelling welcome. K had his dress rehearsal so I turned up as the first eager bear with my mama in tow.

Janine made us feel very welcome and like all preg mums I goldilocks the chairs.

"This one was too hard, this one was too soft, ahhh this one is just right".

We were handed some reading material, which mama commandeered and I was left twiddling my thumbs smiling inanely at each new couple as they too did the goldilocks thing.

The group consisted of five couples, including me n mum, so a nice compact group. Once settled Janine divided us into two groups and we discussed the type of things we wanted to cover, I kind of joked “EVERYTHING” and once the lists were completed my initial smart Alec comment was fairly accurate.

Mama and I were banded together with two other couples, Annette and Tom a Swedish couple, who had me in stitches most of the time - bugger our prim English sentiments Annette wanted to know if anyone else was really pee'd off, excuse the pun, with leakage problems? And Sam and James, he thinks she nags and she thinks he doesn’t listen to her or understand what she is going through - sound familiar!!!!

The other two couples in the other group seemed fairly nice, a pharmacist (Jo) and her Dr husband (Ramesh) and a couple who arrived late so I didn’t get their names. To be honest, I seemed to be the most informed - all that Internet reading - and I’m also the furthest on. I’m not sure I’m going to learn anything more than I’ve already found out but if I can get K to attend I’m hoping that he will pick up a few bits an pieces on supporting me during the birth, other than saying “push and pant”, its got to be easier than trying to get him to read the bally books, and will also hopefully let him see that I’m not the only anal, criticising momma to be!

Tomorrow, Wednesday, I do battle with Alison, the MW. I’m going in armed with facts, figures and the reasoning that “Yes I may be controlling, but it’s MY birth”, if she can't support me I will ask for another MW.

This was the week that was....

2006-01-18T13:23:00.000Z

Kinda a lot has been going on, but nothing really worthy of its own blog, except of course the receipt of a parcel from NZ, so I’m going to sum it up in one weekly blog. Yes I know its only Wednesday but hey, I’m at work, I’m bored and I have half an hour to kill - Fingers do your stuff!!!

A surpresent from Abroad
Milky's mum, Queen B , sent me a wee parcel all the way from NZ, it was a total surprise and I love surprises, so squealed for all of ten mins and danced around my mammas kitchen waving my parcel and doing the "I got a parcel" dance! Upon opening said parcel I squealed some more - a portable baby changing mat (which will be tres useful when I’m out and about) a Plunket baby booklet full of useful information and two Mighty Perky Mama bars - which I’m told are NZ delicacy and I’m saving for my next downward mood swing, then I will scoff both of them and wallow in the sugar rush. (pics will come when I can get my camera up and running again)

A visit to the Hospital
I’m particularly a feared of hospitals, no thats not right, I’m particularly a feared of medical interventions. My neurosis stems from a rather horrible hospital experience I had in London five or six years ago, but for once Im not going to bore you with details. Since the said experience I actually worked in a hospital for a year and had no problems with working there but when I have to go in as a patient, succumbing to medical doctoring I fear that some mad man in a white coat will swoop down on me and force me to undergo several nasty, painful procedures for no apparent reason and with even less explanation.

I therefore, faced with entering a hospital for any form of medical reason, wind myself up (unbelievable though this may seem) until I’m a gibbering wreck and panic attacks abound.

Consequently I’ve been hoping to be able to have a home birth, but my midwife, who is generally a lovely supportive woman, has been really pressurising me to go to the hospital. She decided that I would feel much better if I saw the ward and familiarised myself with the surroundings. So K and I went to meet her. I, of course, immediately felt the panic descending but attempted to look at the visit as preparation.

Within the 30 mins we were there she slowly chipped away at my confidence and encouraged K to say how concerned and worried he was regarding the home birth option, how in her experience home births were not a good idea, asking me how I would feel if something went wrong and we couldnt get to the hospital in time - I cried, more in frustration that she didn’t appear to understand my fear, and was left feeling like a total control freak who didn’t give a damn about the baby growing inside of me - Not a good feeling!!!

I’ve got to meet with her next week to discuss my options, but I’m still feeling that I’m better off relaxed and at home (five min drive from the hospital) than uptight, freaking out and worrying that I’m not going to be given the opportunity to have the natural birth I want.

Back Pain
I hate to harp on about being pregnant *cough, splutter* because I know I’ve had a relatively pain free easy pregnancy to date, but this week TripleB "dropped", which means he has moved into the head down position, this simple and "natural" change has meant that for the first time in my pregnancy I’m dealing with back ache - and my god it is intense, constant, all the time pain!

I’m figuring its the bodies way of saying, its gonna get worse so we will introduce you to this pain thing bit by bit. Because of the new change of position I’ve developed the "pregnancy waddle", think penguin and you've pretty much got it - Tres attractive!

People insist on telling me I’m "blooming" though, which I’m not sure whether to believe, I’m not sure if greasy hair and spots are quite the image of blooming I was looking for.

Relationship angst
All fairly quiet on the relationship front. K and I still play the swings and roundabouts game, some times we are up, sometimes we are down, sometimes we just go round and round in circles but I’m getting more and more to the stage where I just Vicky Pollard it and say "Do I look bovvered?”

Right now I’m dealing with radical body changes, increased hormone swings and attempting to get through a day at work. I’ve just nothing left to deal with "us" at the moment, especially when half of us doesn’t seem to want to put in any more effort than he really needs too to get through the day.

That said, he is working bally long days and then going onto rehearsals afterwards so is doubly tired and probably has as little energy for us as I do - all I can say is "we will see".

Life with Ma and Pa is working out remarkably well. We've all found our own space and seem to be working hard to adapt to each other’s idiosyncrasies. The hardest thing was working out the bathroom rota but once we had it cracked who went in when to get to work for the right time things seems to have sorted themselves out.

I’m loving having a bath (only have a shower in the caravan) and mum despite all my fears is actually easy to live with. We both moan about the men in our lives and then read to block it all out!

Work
No resolution, no further information, no change.....

Oh and my PC at works hard drive has died, lucky I backed up last Thursday!!!

Wow a total summation of my life to date. I’m left feeling fairly positive, slightly worried and a little excited. Whatever you’re planning, doing or recovering from do it with enthusiasm and remember no matter how dark the tunnel, or how long the road a Llama is always bigger than a frog!

Temper tantrum returns!

2006-01-12T14:31:00.000Z

ARGHHHHHHH!!

Just had a conversation with K about a job. He is looking for something full time instead of the two part time jobs he's is currently doing. I found a caretakers job on line, but its live in, which I know he doesn’t really want to do and the money isn’t great, but its something he has considered looking at, when I said "you need to decide what you want to do..." he got aggressive (his tone anyway) and said I was pressurising him, I got defensive (my tone) "AM NOT" and I hung up on him.

Now I wanna lie on the floor and kick and stamp my feet!!!!

I grow'd up - argued with the mawanker and then apologised.

2006-01-12T14:15:00.000Z

Not sure if its the surge of hormones or the fact that most nights I spend at least an hour contemplating bringing a life into this world, but on Tuesday the Mawanker demanded my notes and hand outs from the courses I have designed over the last three years at work.

His attitude and my attitude did a quick six rounds, the aggression levels high and I could hear Argumentative me whispering, "I could have had him Harry". Instead of actually ripping his head from his shoulders and urinating down his neck I flounced off with nothing more intelligent than a "interesting" comment. No fear about my verbal prowess then!

Anyway after sitting and contemplating the whole fiasco I gradually calmed down and realised that the Mawanker had every right to ask for my notes and if he had actually asked me in a different way I’m pretty sure that I would have bent over backwards to comply. So I printed out copies of everything and vowed that I would "address the issue" on Wednesday morning.

Had a real s**t night Tuesday night (sorry if I kept you awake Hx) spent most of it going through the thousand permutations of the conversation I was going to have "smeagol, myself and I).

I strode like some Amazonian sleep deprived witch into the office and handed over notes, schemes and handouts for all my courses. I apologised for my reaction to his request and then went on to tell him exactly how aggressive, bullish and non supportive I have found him over the last 6-8 months. I couldn’t shut up my mouth, it splurged out and after 10 mins he sat before me a deflated soul, apologising for making me feel this way!

It was quite a grown up conversation and I certainly feel better for getting it out into the open. I’m pretty certain it wont change a single thing and there was no one there to back me up, but at least I said it in a grow'd up, professional manner rather than the squalling brat I had been on Tuesday night.

Yeah - for the grow'd ups!!!

My cat plays air guitar....

2006-01-09T12:30:00.000Z

Rosie just cracks me up at times! I took these pics before moving out of the trailer, if you close your eyes and squint she really does look like she is playing air guitar.

Grrr - No Sky TV.

2006-01-09T08:06:00.000Z

As I've mentioned in my last entry we have had to move off site and whilst living with my parents is taking some adjusting its been, so far, relatively pain free, except that is that they don’t have SKY TV. Which means that most of the programs I watch - CSI, Nip Tuck, Boston Legal and House all have to be recorded.

Not a problem thinks I - I’m a modern woman and can set the DVD to record, or at least ask K to do it (I believe in empowering him). So before we left we programmed in all our fave shows, which considering I don’t consider myself to be a TV Pleber actually turned out to be quite a lot!!!

Anyway, we've been thinking that we had all these yummy shows to watch over the weekend but how we laughed when we saw naught but an empty disc.

Bugger!

The barstuards who run the site haven’t been switching off the power at night time, which means there is nothing, no House, no CSI, no Nip tuck...

I wail, I sway in anguish, I stomp my feet and pout!!!!

When we assaulted the the admin staff yesterday, Sunday, with demands about our security alarm being affected - thinking this was a sneaky way of saying they couldn’t turn off the power because of that - we were informed that it had a back up power dowatsit and isn’t affected.

Bugger and bums

We are supposed to be recording Stargate for my brother, who is currently out in the Gulf, whatcha reckon think we could guilt trip them with that?

BUGGER, BUMS and … VF!!

TripleB - he grows big!!

2006-01-06T15:50:00.000Z

These last couple of days have been a bit hectic on the baby front. I went for a scan on Wednesday, cause my last scan showed that my placenta was low and could cause problems when birthing (too much information?!?!) anyway the scan showed that all was hunky dory, the placenta is where is should be an TripleB is looking good. Obviously lying with my ass up in the air and on my left side worked!!!

Here's a couple of pics of the wee fella!!!

At 4lb 2oz we are looking at an approximate birth weight of 8-9lbs - ain't technology a wonderful thing!

Thursday I had to go for a fasting blood sugar test cause my last bloods showed my sugar levels were "unacceptably high", which could mean that I had gestational diabeties, which isn’t great for me or TripleB.

So at 9am I was attacked by a very hearty and friendly nurse with a huge needle, she seemed to extract a pint of blood and then gave me a very sweet orange tasting drink to "get down", whilst handing it over she said "it doesn’t taste very nice, so take as much time as you like". Having not eaten or drunk anything but water since 9pm I took a tentative sip and then gulped like a thirsty man.... I actually quite liked it!!!

I then sat for what seemed like an endless 2hrs (thank god for MP3's and books) until another nurse came in and stole more of my blood. The tests then went of to the blokes in white coats and I was told to just wait out....

Luckily I got a phone call by 5pm to say the man from Delmonte he say "No to Gestational Diabetes". I scoffed a banana and chocolate spread sandwich and "hurrahed" my good news!

Moving home to momma!

2006-01-05T20:27:00.000Z

The one downside to living in a caravan on a holiday park is that you can't live there all year round. For legal reasons - too boring to go into - you have to be off site for a set amount of time per year. Our site chucks all "residents" off at the beginning of the year and we are not allowed back till the 1st March.

My Mommie and Pops have therefore offered K and I space under their roof. Today K and I packed up a few meagre belongings and ensconced ourselves in the spare room - single beds, which K says is great cause now he will get a good nights sleep as I wont be constantly kicking him whilst tossing and turning, but more storage space than I know how to fill.

I love my parents to bits and know that without them I wouldn’t be half the woman I am now - read that how you will! My dad is very much like me, sharing the same birthday means we share many of the same crabby personality traits - "It’s my shell and you will do things my way when living in it - and by the way I need space".

My mum just wants everyone to be happy so bends over backwards to make sure things are good for everyone, which K loves cause whenever he visists he doesnt have to lift a finger, Mum generally tends to exists in her own world, I fondly refer to it as "Sandy's world".

And then there's me, hormonal, not in charge of the situation and worrying about the cats being on their own in the trailer.

What fun! So as well as attempting to be totally honest about things, blogging endlessly about baby stuff you need to prepare yourself to read about the the traumas and frustrations of living at home!!!

I just wish Sensitive me would stop mantra chanting "Smile and be nice, think bunnies and butterflies".

A review of last year.

2006-01-04T11:43:00.000Z

To sum up, briefly, in 12 sentances.

Got this idea off Milky, you have to take the first sentance for your first blog of each month - in a mad, kinda bizarre hmmm type way it kinda makes sense!!!

I know this is going to sound a little trite when you consider the deaths that have happened over the last couple of weeks, but Keefe received a phone call at 9.30pm on Saturday night to say his mum had died at 8.30pm. Okay, up till 4.30 this morning I was feeling relatively calm about my impending move into my mothers and then into the trailer - it didn't seem like any big thing. I dont know about anyone else but I generally tend to eat fairly healthily most of the time. Aunty Hooch and Lady Letty, Mummy apologies for not blogging, but she’s acting like she has her head stuck up her bottom for the last week or so - me I just like to lick mine. Between Hx and myself we can happily say... been there! Thanks to Milky for finding this one *heavy breath* The force is strong in this one *Heavy breath*. And when it said…I cried "ahhh bollox". Today, Minden Day, is a battle honour day, the King's Own Yorkshire Light Infantry, which in proceeding years became part of the Fusiliers, squashed lots of Frenchies and gave good fight. I've been thinking about this site an wondering if its wrong for me to begin pondering about pregnancy but it also occurred to me that maybe I'm a bit late for the pondering stage! Okay, I'm fine, really fine, really! Its a simple question and one I pondered lots on Tuesday night. Okay, those who know me, know I’ve been shafted, whoops that should be blessed, with a rather ample bosom.

Hush your mouth and pass the humble pie

2006-01-03T13:26:00.000Z

Firstly Happy New Year to one and all. K and I welcomed in the New Year with a DVD and a bottle of champagne – it was quiet but lovely.

To be honest I was a bit hesitant of making a big deal about the whole New Year thang cause of K’s mum dying this time last year, so as usual I just got introspective and didn’t bother to talk to him about it, and was left feeling unsure if he wanted reflection and quiet or if he wanted hustle and bustle. He didn’t make many phone calls and texted nearest and dearest early in the evening so I went with quiet and reflective….

That said I need to let you know that I’ve made a huge decision, I’ve chosen this day, this new year to make my blog one of total honesty, even when the one who isn’t quite being perfect is me.... so that said I'm going to blog about yesterdays little insensitivity

You see K is off work all this week, so its me getting up first and heading off into the cold dark mornings whilst he cocoons himself in my duvet. Not that I felt in the least bit resentful, we perfect creatures never allow the bile that rises in our throats to ruin our day!

So the first part of the morning passed with the usual humdrumness of work, at lunch time whilst out buying my healthy wholemeal sandwich and grapes I remembered that K had said on Saturday “I’ll cook Chilli on Tuesday”. Whilst stood in the veg shop Snidey me popped up with "Yaha how likely is that - I bet he doesn’t".

Feeling all martyrdomish I purchased supplies for the chilli I knew he wouldn’t have got. Then I spent the afternoon going over all the conversations with Snidey me I was going to have when I walked into the caravan to find no dinner made.

By the time I was in the car K and I were having a full-blown argument and World War 236 (I think that’s the WW we have reached so far) was about to erupt.

So bags bulging with righteous supplies I flounced into the trailer, argument ready and verbal beatings lined up. Imagined my chagrin when the gorgeous aroma of K’s chilli bubbling away greeted me. Snidey me skipped gleefully into the dark recesses of my pea like brain chanting "whose gonna eat humble pie, whose gonna eat humble pie".

I kissed K and openly admitted what I had been thinking and you know what humble pie don’t taste that bad.

God Bless Ye Merry Gentlepersons

2005-12-29T10:14:00.000Z

Firstly a big Merry belated Chrimbo to one and all and to quote Tiny Tim"God Bless us, each and every one of us". Well Christmas came and went amid sniffles and sore throats, but was enjoyable in a quiet reflective sort of way.

Marci managed to battle her way up the M1 from London to reach us Christmas afternoon.

Marci with a much deserved glass of champers

My mum and dad joined us and we spent the afternoon amid wrapping paper, copious amounts of alcohol and turkey.

Keefe, Mum, Dad and Marci - and a pyrex gravy boat - Oh my gosh, real proof Im trailer trash!

It was a most pleasant day, even though I remained principally sober (darn TripleB). I have to say I indulged in a glass or three of the ole bubbly juice but didn’t do my usual Drinks Fairy trick. Perhaps this was why it was a pleasant day!!!

K after stuffing his face - No more food!

Santa brought a lovely selection of things for everybody even the cats got some much adored catnip and have since been behaving in a most strange and amusing manner!

Where's my present, I remember putting it down somewhere. Memory loss - one of the down sides of catnip!!?

Boxing day was spent flipping through the TV channels attempting to find goggle box entertainment whilst stuffing our faces with left over turkey and sausage rolls.

K got out his new Minidisc and attempted to connect it to his existing system. It didn’t work, so amid muttered swearing and talk of "taking it back" Marci and I giggled at Mans inability to read destructions and set up my new SKYPE phone.

With impending snow we battled down the hatches cracked open various Christmas DVD's and chocolates and settled on the sofa.

On Tuesday Marci left us to battle her way back to London through the snow, K and I plebbed in front of the TV. I distinctly remember contemplating dragging my butt from the sofa and going for a walk but the Siberian wind rattle round the caravan hinting at frozen eye lashes and crusted snot so I ate more chocolate and snuggled deeper in the warmth of the duvet.

Yes the Snot monster remained an unwanted guest throughout the festive period and even paid K and Marci a little visit; see Christmas is a time for sharing!

Today we got up to discover all the water pipes have frozen so we have no water - Ohhh what fun!!!

To alleviate the worry of not showering or brushing our teeth – mmmmm trailer trash festering - K got out his new Minidisk player and attempted, again, to connect it to his JVC systems. He seemed to have had slightly more success than on boxing day because he was able to record from the CD to the minidisk, however he is still unable to record from cassette to minidisk because there is no output from the amplifier, not really sure if that is right, but seems to be what he has spent most of the morning muttering about.

He specifically wanted the minidisk to record all his old tapes onto disc.... but now there is just lots of maybes and humphs and talk of "taking it back" and maybe getting a recordable CD Player.... not sure if there is another solution but have sent out an all points call to Mr T, my Positive Wizard, who is generally able to resolve any issues technical.

I've done all the filing and tidied up the caravan in an effort to prepare for the forth coming New Year. I'm proud to say that this year I have managed to keep my new years resolutions, which was to not make any new years resolutions and thanks to a site Stan found to "fart more in public". Whoops does that mean I haven’t kept my resolutions?

Oh and least I forget congratulations need to go to D-Man and D-Missus, who on the 17th December became the proud parents to D-Other girl.

So that about sums up Christmas of 2005 – I'm not going to muse on things past, I'm going to attempt to be forward looking and positive. Hmm perhaps there is something in this not showering malarkey!!!

De Ja Tissue!

2005-12-16T08:37:00.000Z

Remember the snot monster from last year? Well bugger me, the git is back with all guns blazing!

K was assigned to the spare room, but ended up on the sofa and I crawled between clean sheets (always nice when your feeling low) sprayed the bedding liberally with olbas oil, lathered tiger balm onto my chest, neck and sinuses clutched my winnie the pooh hot water bottle, drank buckets full of hot water and lemon and waited for the war to end.

God I missed my Lemsip toddy! Im sure if I had given in and had a little (hmmm large) whisky the snot monster would have run away and hid. But I was trying to be good, cause of TripleB, I stayed away from all the lovely pharmasuetical aids and alcohol I usually take in conjuntion with each other, I know your not supposed to but its the only way I know of beating the beast.

What use is Para-bloody-cetamol to anyone, it does nothing!

At 3am this morning I woke with cracking headache, snot on my clean pillows, snot on my face and Rosie looking at me in total disbelief as I think Id attempted to use her tail as a hanky. I think this cause when I blew my nose, and checked - why do we do this? - there was fur mingled in with the snot!!!

So this morning I sit in my wee computer suite, eyes like pee holes in the snow, nose doing an impression of a small nuclear disaster and a throat that feels like its swallowed razor blades. Why am I still here, cause Ive got a class to give and Im a fully fledged snot martyr!

Whaaaa I wan my mum, I wan my lemsip toddy, I don wan this cold!!!

Ain't the Tinternet a wonderful thing!

2005-12-15T12:40:00.000Z

This week D-man discovered he was a Insightful Linguist. (I did a similar test and strangely enough I'm also in this elite group - smarm!!!!)

And I got an email telling me I'm going to be a millionaire!!!

WINNING NOTIFICATION:
We happily announce to you the draw of the National Lottery International programs, held on the 7th of DECEMBER 2005 in Manchester,UK.

Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: Blah, blah blah with Serial number Blah/05 drew the lucky numbers: 0-0-0-0-0-0-0, which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of Two Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars ($2,500,000.00) in cash credited to file blah, blah blah. This is from a total cash prize of $25,000,000, shared amongst the first Ten (10) lucky winners in this category. All participants were selected randomly from World Wide Website through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 companies.

This promotion takes place annually. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your $2,500,000 in cash credited to file blah, blah blah, would be released to you by our payment office in Europe.

Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning in formation confidential till your claim is processed and your money sent to you.

This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements. Please be warned.

To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:

NAME: DR. LUCIE GILBERT
Email: lottopromo04@yahoo.co.uk

To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please quote your full names, your country, your private Telephone and fax number, your Reference/batch numbers etc in any correspondences with us or our designated agent. Please be informed that all winning must be claimed on or before 20th of DECEMBER 2005.

Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program. Thank you for being part of our promotional lottery program.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Richard Lloyd,
NATIONAL LOTTERY Co-ordinator.

So of course I replied and then sat and waited.....

and I got this email this morning.

Dear Winner,

How are you doing today? I apologise for the delay in replying you. Your winning is been processed. You are required to open a checking and savings account in Barclays Bank immediately,as soon as you do so, send me the account details.

As soon as the account details is recieved, further instruction will be given to you on how to claim your prize. Please do so as soon as possible.

Once again congratulations and goodluck.

Regards,
Lucie Gilbert

So naturally I ran out, opened up a bank account and sent my details - NOT!!

But it would have been nice!!!!

I missed my blogs birthday...

2005-12-08T08:28:00.000Z

So all together now...

"Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy bifday day dear BLOOOOOOGGY
Happy bifday day to yoooooou"

Better late than never and interesting to see where I’ve been over the last year!!!

And now for something seasonal Marci was kind enough to send me this link to a little game called SOBER SANTA - it kept me entertained for quite some time.

K and I have also resolved our differences (again) in a very grown up sit down way. We managed to put aside hurt and accusations and discuss what caused the argument on Sunday last. We resolved to not do the name calling thing in the future, to try and talk to each other in tones less accusatory and to say what we feel at the time rather than bottle little things up and explode over nothing.

Perhaps the prospect of parenthood is making us grow up!!! (Shut up and stop sniggering Snidey me)

Oh my god - thats what a compliment feels like!!!

2005-12-05T08:29:00.000Z

I went into Newcastle Sunday morning, on my own, cause we are still not speaking! As previously mentioned I rarely go into town, but I had to go in to pick up a ring, so got myself up early and headed in thinking shopping started at 10am. More fool me, everywhere was shut, but the town was still pulsing with people with a faint look of desperation in their eyes "only 20 more shopping days to go, gotta have, gotta get, gotta do".

I am currently on a go-slow. I put the Christmas decs up on Saturday and have began to feed the cake but that’s all I’ve done, I’ve never done Christmas in a rush before an figured what the hell, Im going to be 7 months pregnant, why not add one more problem to my basket and do everything last minute this year, its what everyone else does.

So I bimbled around the main shopping mall for 2o mins, glancing into shop windows promising tinsel happiness and fluffy Christmas contentment as long as you brought "This, No this... Yes buy THIS!!"

Sadly all I was really searching for was the toilet; so with a delicate crossed legged desperation I popped into one of the frequently growing coffee shops - it promised real Italian coffee and panettone’s. I ordered a fruit juice a chocolate panettone and headed into the little girls room - Ahhh the bliss that comes with the simplest of bodily functions.

Returning I was told by a dough eyed pimply-faced youth that they "sadly had no chocolate panettone’s, would a fruit one be okay". His sincerity washed over me and I agreed that a fruit one would indeed suffice.

Feeling strangely single I headed upstairs in the hope of finding a secluded seat where I could scoff my panettone and slurp my mango smoothie whilst waiting for 11am to arrive.

Upstairs had been assigned the "Smokers corner" and the air whilst not thick with grey cloying smoke was hinting at the degenerate and defiled habit. I breathed in deeply and moved toward a seat in front of the window that would allow me to carry out one of my favourite hobbies - people watching.

As I lumbered to the seat my eyes flickered and suddenly made contact with a guy sat in the corner - in the comfy sofa seats. His casual clothes - sweatshirt and sweat pants - screamed contractor, but he sat with a comfortable ease. A guy obviously happy in his own skin, happy to be sat slurping coffee, reading papers and talking on the phone. We did that "hi" embarrassed smile thing that strangers do and I took up my seat.

Before I had even pulled my panettone in half and began the stuffing process my ears had tuned into his conversation and I was enthralled. Contractor guy was not a contractor but a Landlord and apparently he had a lodger, in one of his properties, who was trying to diddle him out of rent, they had offered up a strange comprising deal but with added threats, which he was discussing with his partner. Was it better to accept the £400 and get rid of the said tenant or should they go for the full months rent and maybe face the hassle of a hard to move tenant. "Take the money,” I thought to myself slurping hard on the smoothie. And as the streets of Newcastle were not exactly bustling I’m afraid I just sat and listened into this strangers life, it took my mind of my life and the anger and sadness I was still feeling towards K.

Panettone almost scoffed and smoothie slurped I looked at my phone to find out the time and saw that it was almost 11am. Perfect. Just as I was tidying up my little space landlord guy got up to leave. Again with the "acknowledging smiles" he began to walk away, I wiped down the table with my napkin,old waitress habits die hard, and packed up my bag.

Suddenly a presence was leaning over me "Excuse me" smiled landlord guy "I just had to tell you that you have the most fantastic skin I’ve seen in ages, its really luminescent".

My face split into a grin and I blushed like a school girl, "Thank you" I stammered desperately trying to find something grown up to say but coming up with nothing and eventually blithering forth with "its a probably a pregnancy glow... oh and oil of Olay, but thank you" smile, simper, sit in shock, flick hair behind ears and simper again.

"Your welcome" smiled landlord guy again, eyes twinkling he turned and walked away. I sat staring at the crumpled panettone wrapper and empty plastic smoothie with a Cheshir cat like grin upon my face.

So that's what a compliment feels like I thought, "its been so long" snidey me mumbled. "Pah to feeling fat, I’ve got luminescent skin!!!!" I smirked to myself as I bimbled through the crowds.

Me, myself and I - and some coconut cream.

2005-12-01T10:50:00.000Z

Okay, those who know me, know I’ve been shafted, whoops that should be blessed, with a rather ample bosom. From the age of 13 I was grown used to people talking to my chest rather than my face and people would often say in a kind of confused manner "Gosh, haven’t you grown" or "my what a big girl you are".

As you progress through life you kind of get used to running with your hands holding yourself down, or lying on your side with your arms out to the sides. You even get used to waking in the night and punching your loved one in the back because as he has rolled over, he has rolled on them, me, us!

Lots of people, mainly flatter chested type people, say things like "Ohh I wish I had boobs like yours", but then they look at me again and quickly rephrase that to "smaller than you obviously (why the obviously I feel like asking), "but you know a bit bigger than I have at the moment".

As the years have passed I’ve got used to them, I’ve grown accustomed to their size!

This morning at 3.30 am, after tossing and turning for an hour and a half I experienced a deep sense of desperation and cried out for "tiny pert boobs". Why I howled at the night couldn’t I have been blessed with the proverbial "pancakes, friend eggs or nats bites".

Pondering-me screamed out "Why didn’t they tell us about this, stop them itching". My whole body and particularly the puppies (as Hx and Milky affectionately call them) was one huge itch. "Do the bear scratch!" yelled Pondering-me. So I frantically rubbed myself up and down the bed like some great brown bear with a tree stump, creating blessed friction and a brief respite from the agony of the ITCH!

Triple B kicked my insides like some sort of bucking buckaroo horsy thing, obviously peed off at my thrashing, luckily I had just cut my nails back because my body would, this morning, be covered with scratches.

Oh these books on pregnancy tell you all about the "discomfort" of labour, epidurals and other medical stuff but no where do they mention about the betrayal of your skin, itchy, stretchy frustrating scratchy skin.

My feet danced in the bed, like I was auditioning for Michael Flatleys "River dance", fingers nails pulling off strips of flesh desperate to stop the ITCH!

I tried showering an at 5.15 this morning and eventually bathed myself in coconut butter, copious amounts of it only discovering a little too late the down side to my discovery that coconut butter not only "reduces stretch marks" (Jury is out on this one) but stops the ITCH. The down side to this discovery is that the smell of cocobutter makes me sick!

However Snidey-me taunted from the corner of my darkened brain "would your rather be a slithering mass of non itchiness with a feeling of nausea or be dealing with the ITCH?

TripleB, Pondering-me and I all unanimously called out "Pass the bucket"

Snidey-me giggled in the corner "Ahhh the joys of pregnancy"

The craving beast

2005-11-29T12:12:00.000Z

Like some primordial beast pregnancy cravings crept from my stomach and tapped at the door to my brain on Saturday night. “Must have pepperoni pizza, must have pineapple, must have diet coke” a verbal humming started and TripleB danced inside me to the slow but hypnotic beat.

“K”, said I, “Its time you for you to carry out one of the most important duties of a daddy to be”

“Hmm what’s that then” he mumbled, engrossed in Saturday night viewing.

“I need, no I want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Huh” he looked at me as one views a mad woman.

“I need, no I want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Oh fluck a duck, alright, where am I gonna get it from?” We spent the next ten minutes debating the pros and cons of attempting to order in, without a menu, or going to Asda. I vetoed this option; Asda would take at least 30 mins to get there, 20 mins for the shop, 30 mins to get back and then cooking time. Not knowing how these cravings work I figured I might have hit my “night time no eat or you puke rule” so we settled on Sainsburys which was only 10 mins up the road.

“Okay so what do you want?”

“Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Garlic Bread, Ice cream?” he suggested

“Hmmm” – I listened to the beat “Garlic bread would be nice, if you want some but I just want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

K bundled up in coat and boots headed off to the car and I sat rubbing my belly trying to calm the beast and TripleB “food is coming”. I was filled with a warm glow and the little romantic part of me joined the dance “Ahhh how sweet that he is going to find food. My hero, the hunter, off in search of Pizza for his woman.”

The three of them, The Beast, Triple B and Romantic me all tied their napkins round their necks and waited with baited breath. The drums pounded to heady beat of Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and diet coke.

I switched on the oven in readiness, sorted out paper napkins and mayonnaise and sat watching the clock tick, tick tick past. 20 minutes later the hunter returned. I clasped the bag to me like an Ethiopian being given a food parcel.

“Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke” roared the beast. TripleB kicked in eager anticipation and I pulled the bright boxes from the plastic bag and there before me was two Sainsburys HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizzas, a tin of Pineapple chunks, two varieties of garlic bread and a bottle of port?!?!!?!?!

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza!” yelled the beast.

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza!” squealed TripleB.

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza! – Erm excuse me” mumbled romantic me and rushed away to hide.

“Erm… K…. “HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza?”

“Yeah it was the only one they had that had Pepperoni on it” He settled himself in front of the TV and switched on his film “Mona Lisa”.

Erm K – what about the diet coke?

“Oh hell, I knew there was something else” The TV was turned up and he settled himself on the sofa obviously content in the knowledge that he had hunted and gathered to the best of his ability.

A snotty voice snivelled its way into the screaming rampaging noise created by The Beast and TripleB. “Should have gone yourself,” said snidey me.

“Shut the hell up” I mumbled as I covered the top of my pizza with pineapple and added cheese. “Want extra cheese on yours K?”

"Be nice, he tried his best" urged romantic me from the dark corners of my hunger.
Putting the two discs of pepperoni pregnancy placating pizzas into the oven I read the destructions. 12 minutes. Tick, tick, tick. I checked the Pizzas and was a slightly uncomfortable at the pale anaemic and soggy look, the beast’s drums pounded hard, TripleB kicked my liver "Food, Pizza, diet coke"!!!

Another 5 mins -Tick, tick, Tick.

The Pizza’s were pulled from the oven, still slightly anaemic and a bit soggy but hot and cooked. K and I settled ourselfs and I eagerly picked up a slice of pizza hoping it would quell the burning desire and screams raging within my body.

“Hmmmm - Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple” murmured the beast in a Homeresque chant.

“Urgh… um…” chew, keep chewing" The drums stopped and the primordial beast and TripleB stopped dancing “HUH” they both asked “What the hell is this muck?” I looked at K and was glad to see that he too had a look of slight disgust on his face.

“K this is awful” I put down my plate and poked at the pineapple. “Hmmm” he mumbled, stuffing another slice in his mouth “Its not very nice is it”. I sat upon the sofa panicked by the now crashing need that was over taking me “I need, no want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”. Romantic me simpered in the corner again “Don’t worry, he will go out and get another one, he will, just give him time”

Snotty, snide me giggled, “No bloody way, you know if you want it your going to have to go get it yourself”.

“No I’m not” I sulked.

“Yes you are” sniped snidey me.

“No I’m not, K will surely suggest we get another one at the end of the film”. I took the offending article and dumped the plastic promise in the bin, but not before picking off the pineapple and cheese.

The beast roared and pounded in side me, the craving for pepperoni almost taking my breath away, "Just one bite, just one slice, just one pizza!" To take my mind off the pounding and kicking raging inside I took myself off to bed and read. Drink water I raged at myself, that will kill the need.

The title music to "Mona Lisa" swirled into the bedroom. I heard K’s footsteps approaching, the beast fell silent panting slowly, a low growl emitting from its hungry thoat.Here it was, he would surely say it….

“You missed a good film”. Now he would say it now. I nodded the universal “humph” nod and said, “I didnt miss it, I just didn’t fancy watching it”.

“Oh! Want a cup of tea or something?”

“Waaaaaaa” wailed the beast.

“No I need, want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke” roared the beast inside me again”. This time the universal “shake of the head” was used and he returned to the living room.

“Told ya so” snivelled snidey me.

“Shut up” I snapped back, drinking another half litre of water. I pulled my book to me and attempted to ignore the beast. At 3.15am I woke tears streaming down my face. “ Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”. Shshhhh” I soothed, stroking my stomach, “as soon as the shops open mommie will go and get it for you – Shshshshhhs”

The slow movement of the clock taunting us in our need and desperation “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”. The steady beat of this craving over took me in waves of need I have never experienced before.

Finally the clock hit 9.30 and I was out of bed, washed and dressed as quickly as possible. I sneaked into the living room; K lay on the sofa snoring his head off and dead to the world.

I switched on the cooker and quicker than Jack Flash I was in the car and heading to Sainsburys accompanied by the pitiful wail of the beast “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”.

Inside the shop and I began the hunt, “They must have more than one type of pepperoni pizza, they must” I mumbled the beasts mantra “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”; suddenly heavenly music filled my ears and celestial light shone down into the freezer section and there before me was four whole freezers full of pizza – pizza with chicken ticka, pizza with extra cheese, ham and pineapple, all day breakfast pizza, my eyes searched frantically, the music filling my head as they sudden espied the most glorious sight ever “Goodfellas pizza – double pepperoni and cheese”.

My whole body, the beast, TripleB and the collective me’s heaved a sigh of pleasure, the drum beat stopped and every one joined hands and danced around in circles like children “We got Pepperoni Pizza, we got pineapple, we got diet coke”. My basket filled with all the necessary pleasures I paid the lady at the counter the pennies she required and headed home.

Hurrying into the caravan I was greeted by a cheery “Morning, did you switch the cooker on or did you leave it on last night”

“No, I switched it on this morning, you haven’t switched it off have you”

Yeah – just now”.

“Turn it BACK ON” snidey me yelled. K approached me warily, “Where ya been?”.

“Sainsburys”. His eyes fell upon the bags “needed Pizza”.

A sneer came upon his face. “Oh yeah, cause I did it wrong didn’t I, I got the wrong Pizza”.

“Well – DUH – Yeah, lesson learnt though” I snapped, “If I’m craving something I will just go get it myself”

And as World War 369 kicked off in the heaven I call home the beast purred “Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

Union they say Yes...

2005-11-28T12:46:00.002Z

Well since the union rep came in and shook her union rep stick Ive had a risk assessment done, Im now no longer able to work before 8am, when there are other members of staff in the centre other than the cleaner.

I have had the bottom part of my uniform delivered - the tops should follow. Ive washed them once and all the stitching has come undone.

Still no sign of a contract or confirmation of the job spec but hey who am I to rock the boat, things are happening!

I'm am a Union Member and I call upon my brothers and sisters...

2005-11-16T17:34:00.000Z

Okay, I've finally taken the bull by the horns and made a complaint to the Union about my situation at work.

Things with the Mawanker were just getting silly. He wouldn't let me order resources I needed for courses and was just making things difficult for me, parts of my job that are integral to what I do were given to the Assistant Manager. Aside from that I have become fairly concerned over the last 6 months or so regarding my contract - and the fact that I didn't really have an updated one.

So I called in my Union rep, who listened to me with sympathy and understanding and things have kicked of. Its all a little scary, cause I'm not doing this to cause problems, I'm just concerned that when I want to return after Maternity leave there will be a job for me to return to.

I'm just hoping that things don't get awkward... I'm not sure I can deal with awkward!

Janey and Robert got hitched.

2005-11-16T11:45:00.000Z

The whole weekend was lovely, as weddings often are. The service was held in a beautiful church called St Chads and Janey looked like a 1950's Grace Kelly look alike.

I met a whole bunch of lovely people, some of whom I had met before (Terry, Sarah, Bill and Robbin) and some of whom I hadn't (Evelyn).

Rob, Bev and Evelyn

I caught up with some friends, Jack, Andrew, Fiona and Simon from London and danced when TripleB would allow me too.

K was best man.

I played a supporting role of driver and organiser of pie-eyed husbands! Best Quote came from Andrew "Ahh well, I may as well accept that now Janey has gone I'm confined to a life of gayness with Jack"

Free Porn

2005-11-14T11:41:00.000Z

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT FOR FREE!!!

Went to a beautiful wedding in Lichfield this weekend, but more on that later. Just wanted to share this smile with you!

We're In

2005-11-09T09:41:00.000Z

Whooo-rahhhhhh!!!

Following a weekend of trials and tribulations, boxes and knee deep mud we are finally ensconced within the four walls of our new trailer. And its bloody fabtastic!

Pictures will of course follow as soon as I can find the bally camera!

K and I actually managed to get through the weekend with only a few moments of raised voices - most of it coming from him. I have found in my current state of fatness I'm actually calmer in the face of adversity, rain and pee'd off husbands.

We, like many people, have a had a week of rain, which meant that outside the trailer became a quagmire of mud, so not only were we navigating around the mud each time we entered the trailer we had to remove our boots, this whole process wasn't helped by my inability to lift anything heavy. After the sixteenth, "don't lift it, leave it" we had a little chat and decided if I pulled things carefully I could assist. Most of the weekend was passed with K protectively saying "careful, don't" and me saying "shut up, I can manage". Which he did and I did.

Rosie and Tina were a little confused by the number of homes they have lived in over the last week, but soon settled in and are now looking forward to the cat flap man coming and fitting their new route to freedom.

We've had a few problems with SKY so have had to watch terrestrial TV - OWCH!!! I've said for the last four years that SKY was hundreds of channels of nothing worth watching, but at least occasionally there is something to watch. This last week has made me question the worth of our TV Licence - what a load a c**p!

Luckily the SKY man is visiting us tomorrow *sigh*.

Biggest news for this week though is that K is in a play. Yes, not me, but him. He has already told me he doesn't want my help to learn lines, but I know that revenge is a dish best served cold, with chocolate chip icecream! Rehearsals start tonight.

This weekend is the Wedding of Janey and Robert, friends from London. We travel down to Lichfield on Friday, K is best man, so he is getting up tight about his speech and I'm desperately trying to sort out his suit, which since giving up smoking no longer fits him. Luckily mum says she knows a trick with elastic - should be interesting!!!

All in all life is still fairly hectic, but enjoyable - How goes it on your side of the lily pad?

How is it possible to loose a 35ft trailer....

2005-11-03T11:38:00.000Z

Its a simple question and one I pondered lots on Tuesday night.

With TripleB coming into our lives K and I had a grown up, sit down conversation about our living space about a month ago and we decided that whilst we love the trailer trash life we currently exist in there were two main areas of concern:
1) Heating the trailer in the winter
2) Double Glazing

This in mind I had made some investigations and discovered it would cost about 4-5K to get our wee home double glazed. I had began purchasing heaters to install in each of the rooms so we could have a form of central heating system but the idea of climbing under the trailer and running the wires for the electric circuit was something I wasn't really looking forward to.

That said we had a nose round some of the other caravans/trailers on the site and found this lush one that was only a year old that had central heating and double glazing installed already. Feeling the pros far outweighed the cons we brought the new trailer outright under part ex and used some of our savings. (Pics will of course follow once we are ensconced).

Nough background stuff!

When buying the new trailer we discussed with the sales team how this would happen and certain assurances were made. Yes it was okay to leave the cats in situ. Yes they would site the old trailer next to our existing site, or as close as possible. Yes the new trailer would be sited at the start of the week and we could get BT and Sky sorted from then onwards. Yes we could move stuff in once the trailer had been sited. Yes of course it was going to be "hassle free".

I have to say that the build up to this move was somewhat simpler than the move at the beginning of the year. Primarily because we haven't really had to pack anything up we are just transferring our belongings from one trailer to another. Marci, as mentioned in a previous post, helped and K and I, mainly me though - tee hee, has slowly but surely moved stuff around and packed things up in readiness for the big move this weekend.

So on Sunday night K & I packed up our overnight bags, we had been offered the use of one of the sales trailers to live in for the week, disconnected the Telephone and Sky dish and ensured that all breakables were packed or stored safely.

Monday I spent the day in a state of excitement, thinking about our new home, where I could put stuff, how nice it was going to be to have central heating blah, blah, blah. I drove home in a frenzied state of glee only to find our old trailer hadn't moved, nothing had been done, Rosie and Tina looked at me with a look of contempt as they had been locked in all day.

I went round to the sales dept and asked what had happened. "Staff shortages". I was assured that the new trailer would be sited tomorrow, Tuesday, in preparation for BT and SKY on Wed. Cool!

K and I spent one final night in the trailer talking about how pleasant it had been and how much we were going to miss it, but how nice it would be to be in the new trailer blah, blah, blah...

Tuesday - Another day of tormented excitement. Were the cats okay? Should I have taken the stuff out of the fridge? Was the new trailer going to fit on our existing site. My building excitement was prolonged by the fact that I was running a youth club session so didn't get back to the site until 6.20 where I discovered ...

NOTHING - not the nothing like yesterday but a great big CALAMITY type nothing, there really was nothing, No new trailer, no old trailer no... Nothing!!

In the space where we lived there was simply nothing, well not quite nothing, there was our storage box, which had been pushed to one side, rubbish from under the trailer had been strewn around the area along with the steps to the trailer and boxes of wood!

I sat for a few moments surveying this nothingness wondering where the hell my home was. It should have been sited on an empty site right next door to our existing one, but there was a large space of nothing!!!

I spent the next hour driving round the site desperately seeking my trailer, NOTHING! I went to admin - NOTHING, I tried to track down the site security guy - NOTHING.

Tears! You bet!

Just as I was beginning to give up the search I spied our trailer. I pulled open the door and stepped inside, obviously there was no electricity and it was pitch black, but Tina was still inside, anxious cause it was way past her dinner time, but otherwise unconcerned. There was no sight of Rosie. I grabbed our over night bags, Tina and the stuff out of the fridge and headed off to the loaned trailer.

The Phone rang - it was K "What the Fluck is going on?, Where's our trailer?, Where's the new trailer?, Are you ok?". Amidst garbled "I don't knows" we eventually found each other and headed back to the original site where we discovered a fellow trailer-trashian checking out our freezer! We scared him off with loud comments of "What's he doing looking in our Freezer" and "The Cheek".

Concerned about the safety of the chocolate chip icecream we decided to unloaded the freezer and take it down to my mum and dads. Whilst loading the freezer stuff Rosie approached us, totally confused and more than a little scared. It took a few moments of tender miowing to convince her things were going to be okay.

At 9.30ish we finally returned back to the loaned trailer and settled ourselves, Rosie and Tina in and pondered how little of those "sales assurances" had been kept. The whole affair could possibly be termed "a right bloody cock up".

I spent all day yesterday attempting to get stuff sorted out and can safely say that from nothing we have slightly more than nothing. The new trailer has been pitched, but SKY and BT both had to be cancelled. We cant move any of our stuff in cause we have no elec/gas or water and our existing trailer is no where near the new one so moving stuff in wont be the simple process we thought it was going to be.

On the up side though I had an appointment with the midwife and I'm having a text book pregnancy, everything is normal, we heard TrippleB's heartbeat - nice and strong and my urine is apparently "a lovely colour" - Now that is what I call extracting the positive from the negative!!!

Catch up... One two three!

2005-10-29T15:01:00.000+01:00

Okay, I know I've been lax, remiss, not bloody here, but seriously, I've been really busy.

So what has been happening?

Outside Edge - the play happened.
It went really well, good houses, a few botched lines, but on the whole the audience seemed to like it and I've had some really good feedback from it. I'm a bit sad cause its going to be my last play for some time, what with this baby stuff going on and all.

New Trailer
K and I decided a couple of weeks ago that we really liked trailer living and we umhhmed and arhed and then decided to upgrade our lovely trailer to an all singing all dancing one, with double glazing and central heating. Its lay out is more housey than our current one and I love it. So we/I have spent the last few weeks packing boxes and getting things ready for the great upheaval.

A visit from Marci
Marci has been up a couple of times now. Its always gorgeous to see her because even with all the health and home stuff she is going through herself she always makes me feel positive and able to cope with stuff.

She caught the bus up - cant remember who she came up with, but it was a complete disaster, no flushing toilet for 7hrs.

We had a thoroughly lovely weekend eating, drinking (them not me, well I had a few) and watching all the TV we had pre-recorded for her. CSI, House and various other stuff.

She even came and sat through the play and helped me load up boxes for the forth coming move. Generally I have to say a bit of a star visit.

K went down to London last weekend to meet up with Robert, they had a good night out, not really a Stag night as such but time for a few drinks, chat about the wedding and a bit of back patting and male support!

Work continues to get strange.
The Mawanker is making things difficult for me in all sorts of stupid little ways - denying me cartridges for my printer so I can't print in classes, changing systems and not telling me etc, the list goes on but is too boring to blog about. I spoke to his assistant and felt a bit better about her. I had been thinking it was a gang up on Shannon situation (Paranoia, my best friend) but it turns out she thinks he is a bit of a git as well, but is just worried about her own situation!

Anyway I'm now trying to decide if I go to the Union and try and get things clarified or if I just need to take the bull by the horns and approach the Mawanker to see if we can clear things up. I know the second options sounds more reasonable but he is just so bally unapproachable and I'm not sure if what I say will be acted on or used against me.

And finally there is/was Halloween.
This is one of my fav times of the year not because of the USA tendency to dress children up as ghosties and ghouls, but because of the Pagan festival Samhuin (pronounced Sow-Ain)its the time of conception, the first three days of winter and is also known as three days of no-time, the three days when the veils between this world and the spirit world do not exist. This is a good time to let go of things that are holding you back and to embrace change and an excellent day to honor the Ancestors and those that are yet to come into this world.

So on Saturday whilst on my own, I lit a candle and thought about those who I have said goodbye too and welcomed those who i have met and will meet!

All in all life is going well, its full of positive vibes (excluding the work front) and I'm heading into the winter thinking things are just actually getting better!

YIPPEEEEE!!!!

Its a ......

2005-10-21T13:59:00.000+01:00

BOY!!

On being told it was a boy at the scan K's face dropped into an expression of disappointment then looking at me he kinda smiled and went "A boy, we're having a boy" but it was all too little too late.

I managed to say goodbye to K, who was returning to work and drop mum off maintaining a smiley "isn't it brilliant" attitude. But once on my own the flood gates opened and I ended up howling the afternoon away convinced he was going to be unable to love the baby growing inside of me.

At 6.45pm I pulled myself from my tear stained existence, eyes swollen and flooded my face with cold water in the hope that it would disguise my blotchy face and puffed up eyes - Hey it works in the movies - and headed off to rehearsals, as they say - the show must go on.

To be honest, I wasn't really there, I fumbled my lines, bimbled round stage and continuously grinned like an idiot when anyone asked the result "Yes, it's a boy", "Yes, its great news", "Yes we are really happy"....

At 10pm I finally got my ass in the car and headed home, dreading seeing K. I walked through the door and was pulled into his arms, getting the biggest hug ever, we talked about the results and he set my fears to rest.

"Yes a girl would have been fantastic, but a boy is too", "Yes, he will love us, does love us and will always love us" and "Yes, I'm a Drama Queen".

So please say hello again to the bigger, clearer TrippleB -
Baby Boy Browning!!!

20 week scan

2005-10-19T10:01:00.000+01:00

Stan, don't read this one, its about babies!!!

As I lay in bed this morning at 2.30am the clock taunting me with its slow tick, tick ..... tick I lay my hands upon my belly and felt the child within kicking blue murder out of me!

Gone are the gentle butterfly sensations, actually its more like wanting to fart in public but forcing yourself to hold it in for fear it might smell, to be replaced with full belly kicks. I wanted to wake K to see if he could feel them but he lay snoring in blissful ignorance and I, in my "ahh bless" mood, let him.

Whilst I lay feeling this small being trampolining around my insides I began to ponder the scan I'm going for today. This is the biggie, the one where they measure all Lille Aliens appendages, head, check out heart, lungs and sexual organs - if possible.

K really wants to know the sex of our future off spring, he really wants a girl, I'm easy as long as it really isn't an Alien. I'm not all that bothered but a sense of apprehension over took me as I lay contemplating how I would handle K's reaction if/when they say, "Congratualtions Mrs B, your having a boy".

You see in this heightened state of hormonal flux I'm not sure I'm not going to cry, I know its silly but I'm scared that if Lille A is male K will be unable to love him. If he finds out it's not a girl will he distance himself from Lille A for the next 4 months, will he feel he has failed, I've failed, we've failed?

As I was digging myself in my usual abyss of fear and uncertainty Lille A did a full front flip followed by a double pike and suddenly I was awash with the undeniable feeling that no matter what Lille A is going to be LOVED!!!

Ain't Biology and Mama Nature clever!!!

Speed Camera's - Public Notice.

2005-10-14T12:51:00.000+01:00

UDATE: 19/10/05:

SADLY THIS SPEED CAMERA SITE IS NO LONGER ACTIVE! IT WAS FUN THOUGH.... SORRY!

Please check this out.

Following the Governments freedom of information act you can now get access to speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months.

Did you know that every time your car goes past a speed camera, even 1mph over the set limit it is registered and put on a database?

You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit that we didn't know) if you receive over 20 near misses, you will be classed as a serial offender and get a ticket the next time you go just over the limit.

This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30 limit area whilst others doing 39 do not.

You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following address Speed Camera Check

You will be asked for a password but just click on the need a password link and you will be given one for future use. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.

Good luck and I hope they didnt catch you like they got me!!!

Fair Trade.

2005-10-11T08:21:00.000+01:00

Just click and sign....

Something has to be done!!!

Public Property

2005-10-10T09:00:00.000+01:00

I'm a fairly tactile person, I love hugs and holding hands with the person I'm with, no matter their gender, is something that is just done without giving it a second thought.

I've even got several boy friends (a male who is a friend, not someone you snog) into trouble in the past for being too tactile. Girlfriends tend to glare at me because I happen to kiss on the mouth, or touch the hands, arms or thighs of the boy they are currently "inflagrante" with. My only defense and I realise its rather weak is "If I'm with you, I'm touching you".

So don't get me wrong I'm loving all the attention, questions and well wishing, but its just that suddenly 19 weeks in to the "joy of pregnancy" my belly has suddenly become public property - Everyone touches it!

This weekend whilst visiting my mum, her next door neighbor, who I've said hello to a couple of times, caught me in the street. "Ohhh hello Shannon, your mums told me the great news" she beamed at me in pure delight then suddenly her hands were all over my belly "you must be delighted" she said giving my belly one final pat.

"Yes - we are" I stammered, shocked and a little unsure whether to grope her boobs in return, after all isn't such personal touching a two way thing! I would hate to be thought of as impolite.

More to the point why is it only pregnant ladies whose bits become public property, I'm sure if I had just had a vasectomy a friendly pat would put me in a smiley way, perhaps when a young girl gets her first bra we should all be patting her budding buds in congratulations - NOOOOOO - please don't take that seriously!

Before I loose track of all decency I'm going to state here and now that I am happy with my belly being public property, I may even consider putting it onto the open market.

I guess its just natures way at getting back at me for being so "pat" friendly with all those boy friends!!!

What me - Mood swings?

2005-10-07T07:45:00.000+01:00

Okay, I'm fine, really fine, really!

K and I had a bit of an explosion on Saturday, huge great big shouty words, but with limited swearing, we cleared the air and said what was really bugging us. Im thinking perhaps this is how we actually communicate, not the best way, but in the end at least we are talking and that's one step further down the road than we were this time last year.

So all things are good!

Except I'm still hormonal, the cancer advert on TV started me blubbing last night. Physically my belly is now definitely getting bigger, alot of people have started noticing some in a nice way, some not so.

A chap at work informed me yesterday that I needed to get back on my bike cause I was obviously putting a bit of weight back on. After smashing his head against the wall and forcing a pencil up his nose I smiled and said "hmm that kinda thing happens when your pregnant" *dickhead* I whispered.

So onto the not so great issue of Sleep - pp until two nights ago sleep was a nightmare issue. I've generally been existing on 2 to 4hrs sleep a night, not great if your working full time and going to rehearsals.

Ive been reading books and they promised me that at this 18/19 week stage "sleep will be coming easier and you will be blooming". So I've been eagerly waiting for the "blooming" to occur but the only thing blooming at the moment is greasy out of control hair and spots.

HOWEVER on Wednesday night something strange occured, I got six hours sleep! Yes, proper sleep filled sleep. You know the type, you go to bed, your head hits the pillows and the boat to the land of nod pushes off from the dock and your blissfully sailing upon the gentle waves of sleep hush, hushing you into dream land.

But the best thing is I've now had this type of sleep two nights in row and I feel FANTASTIC.

So much so that this morning I was woken by blue birds pulling back my covers, Bambi was at the bottom of my bed with a lotus leaf between his teeth for my to gently cleanse my skin, Thumper giggled as I wiggled into my ever stretchy trousers and "Flower" smiled at me as I combed my hair with a thistle he had dropped at the bottom of my bed.

Yes, this morning, even though my hairdryer has died and my Mawanker is still very much mawankering I am on cloud nine, pregnant and happy with my lot.

More sleeps like this one and I will become the earth mother I've always dreamt I would be, you know the type serene and in touch with her stretch marks.

Bad evening, bad night, bad morning.

2005-09-28T08:48:00.000+01:00

I had a totally nasty night, with harsh words said and dinner dumped in the bin.

I said, he said we both sulked....

K also has a cold, which in manspeak equates to virulent flu so I'm sleeping in the spare room. I spent the night tossing and turning, battling strange dreams and journeying to the toilet on a thirty minute basis.

This morning the butterflies and bunnies that usually wake me were hiding, they had probably heard my mood was somewhat "sullen" and decided that pulling my covers off whilst sweetly tweeting "good morning, its a beautiful day" would be received in a verbal barrage comparable to an AK47 being fired in a small toilet.

Today definitely feels like this

Todays Moral Question

2005-09-26T15:45:00.000+01:00

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which You will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of her destructive fury.

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options - you can save the life of the President, or you Can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION Please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast colour film?, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Picture stolen from Stans Blog

What do you mean I can't do.... OUCH!!!

2005-09-21T11:11:00.000+01:00

Okay, I'm an independent self minded woman (do not read that as stubborn) who feels able to cope with most things in life. I can run a ring main (with advice) I've carried heavy rucksacks up and down dales and held my own in a Regimental competition - In other words I'm not a girly girl!!!

So when people have been saying, "Oh you will have to be careful, don't lift, don't pull, don't push", I've instantly thought, "Yeah, yeah - I'm okay". So last Wednesday I've packed up my bags at work, switched off the radio, locked the door and gone to pull down the security shutter, one handed of course, cause I was also holding my bags.

There was a sound like tearing meat, with an internal ripping sound comparable to a thick material being torn in half - and I'm doubled up in total agony - I obviously said "Owchhhh" or something along those lines, but within several mins the pain subsided and I thought I was okay.

Sitting in the car I leant over to pull the keys out of my bag and again the pain hit, this is not normal thought I,so I drove home slowly and carefully.

Long story short with the help of the midwife and my lovely Dr we know "lille A" is fine, good strong heart beat, but I've ruptured the muscles in my abdomen. The outcome is I can't lift, I can't pull, I can't carry - I'm now officially a girly girl!!!

An incorrect analogy!

2005-09-13T08:50:00.000+01:00

"Ohh he/she has got a memory like a goldfish!"

Meaning that goldfish have really tiny memories, but Porl sent me a document, which I've forgotten to forward to myself at work to use with this blog, that proves Goldfish are in fact quite intelligent fish...

That said, I'm still using my analogy when referring to pregnancy - I have at this moment in time got the memory capacity of a pregnant goldfish!!!

I'm not just forgetting things I've thought about doing, I'm forgetting things whilst I'm doing them.

Last week whilst putting my shoes on to go to work "mobile phone charger" popped into my head. In battling with my laces on my shoes I had suddenly remembered that I needed to charge up my phone - great recall I hear you shout.

I popped into the little bedroom, spent 5 mins searching in the drawer that I always put the chargers in, to eventually find it right in front of me plugged into the wall. Feeling I had been successful on this mobile phone charger hunting session I picked up my bag with a sense of achievement, put my charger in my bag, I wasn't going to leave it behind *smug smile* and left the trailer.

I think I only got about four paces when the morning dew soaked through my left sock and I looked down to see that I had forgotten to put on my other shoe.

I also forget words - simple words like Shop, T.V and remote control. Things have become thingy, watsit and I have adopted a weird waving hand motion meant to enable K, or whom ever I'm talking to, to understand "that thing, there, on the table is what Im talking about for Gods sake".

I've also started doing strange word associations because my brain isn't coping with the usual influx of information. I was in a meeting with Jen, a lovely associate of mine, and we were discussing courses she was running in her centre, "Fly Dressing" came up and my brain did an upside down spin and I began to smile inanely at her.

"What" she queried as I the giggle started somewhere in my solar plexes. (now I'm rereading this, that word doesn't sound right either)

"Fly dressing" I snorted "You mean they get little flys and dress them up?". Five minutes later after we had wiped the snot and tears from our faces and gaffawfed our way through the associated "outfits and seasonal wings" we looked at one another in sheer pleasure "God", said Jen "I am going to have so much fun with you over the next six months"

But worst or should I say best is my growing ability to make up words cause I'm unable to think what the right word is.... "gaffawfed" above being a prime example and my blatant use of "herbology building" in another conversation with Jen when I was referring to ...when I meant ... bugger... erm...Herbal shop, a place where you can buy stuff that is erm good for you, you know, Vitamins and seaweed and other stuff that you buy and leave in your cupboard.

Pregnancy - the best watsit (thing) in this Big space, ball (World) we are living in to make us realise that we are not so thingy (different) from the thingies that swim in the sea (fish)!

N.B. to self: Do goldfish swim in the sea?

Changing names and Pregnancy!

2005-09-06T12:28:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about this site an wondering if its wrong for me to begin pondering about pregnancy but it also occurred to me that maybe I'm a bit late for the pondering stage!

To me Blogging is all about what's happening in your life right now and this is certainly the biggest thing that's happened to me for quite some time - if you ignore the near divorce, death in the family and moving to a trailer - my main thought however has been "is this the right forum for a never ending list of aches, sleepless nights and mood swings!"

And guess what after re-reading a lot of my other entries it looks like it is; so apologies to those who might happen upon this sight for the next nine months and be driven away by the fear of being sucked into a world of "baby talk" but babies is what's going on right now on my side of the pond.

That said my first posting is about men, this could be a biased view and I could just be talking about K, but I'm thinking its probably men in general and how you JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

K has been remarkably supportive these last 4 weeks, he has put up with my moodiness and frequent cries of "it's your fault I'm like this", and "I'm having your baby, just bloody do it, I know it doesn't make sense but I don't care". He has even managed to tiptoe carefully around my downright, doggawn, tiredness and has handled my somewhat erratic demands with little more than a sigh to the heavens and a roll of the eyes - yes I admit it I have been a little erratic, yes, me - Honest!

So where is the problem?

These last few weeks when I'm snuggled up in my bed and K is lying next to me, snoring his little dreams about Jennifer Anniston and giving up smoking, my mind starts to wonder and I start to think about how the hell we are going to fit a little being into this 35 by 12ft space, let alone our lives.

The world just seems like one big mad spinning ball that confounds me. How do you face the prospect of bringing a new life into a world where pregnant women are being raped, children abused and men are waving bombs at each other like explosive penis's?

I've totally been ignoring the madness of mother nature and the little messages she is sending us, because I know that I don't recycle as much as I should and use my car more than I should. With these thoughts and the prospect of prams, cots and baby clothes filling my carefully organised space I look at the clock and bleary eyed see it's 5.30am and I've not slept all night.

So I'm even more tired and grouchy and the fact that K has forgotten to change the toilet roll again obviously means that he doesn't care the world is collapsing into a state of degradation and lowered standards and in 6 months time we will be over run by a screaming, demanding bundle of life that we have chosen to bring into this big bad world.

So when he says sighs and says to me "what's up" I just shake my head and look at him with a sense of wonder that this fairly intelligent male can stand in front of me asking such a stupid question and I think "how come you JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!"

Well - Its Official, I'm not fat....

2005-08-30T14:00:00.000+01:00

Im just 13 weeks pregnant.

Due date 4th March 2006.

K and I still reeling from the shock, sorry about the secrets, just wanted to get the first scan to confirm things.

It was amazing, we saw it do somersaults, we saw its face, spine, hands and legs.

Oh my god - Ive got to become a fully fledge adult!

Time slips by

2005-08-30T08:56:00.000+01:00

I was sat "surfing" yesterday whilst waiting for my eyes to hit tired and force me into the "sleep submission" I was desperately searching for when it dawned on me that once again my blogging has hit an all time laxness that could easily be surpassed by a sloath on prozak (sp)!

It's not even that I have nothing to write about. Last week we, K and I, were in Londidnium. We had a fantastic time, catching up with friends and family, eating good food, talking good talk and laughing at the madness of London traffic!

This week work hit an all time high - the mawanker was on holiday! The trailer got cleaned top to bottom and we were visited by Malcolm, we took a brief sojourn up to Edinburgh on Sunday where we caught up with Janey Q, Robert and Tom.

We watched three plays:
"Moon Journey" - a cross between Dr Who and Play school - Okay but they should have washed their costumes!
"The Beginners Guide to the Edinburgh Festival" - A funny two hander that had me laughing out loud and smirking cause I knew better - HA!
"The Butcher and the Thief" - Robert and Tommy's play. A macarbe twisted performance that combined physicality and puppets. I admit that I might have been slightly biased but I was totally bowled over by the amount of talent on stage!! We finally got to bed about 5am Monday Morning!!!

We stayed in a very sweet, but slightly expensive, B&B called "The Bonnington" and were served breakfast by David, a softly spoken Scottish man whose wife Irene makes the best porridge I have ever tasted at 8.15am (So much for a restful bankholiday).

Bleary eyed we headed back to Newcastle at 9.30am, sun shining and feeling culturally motivated. We lunched with Malcolm, dropped him off at the bus station at 4pm and then met up with Shane, my brother who has just returned from the Gulf - and dined with him. It took us four pubs to find food we could all settle on, but the meal at the Beehive was worth the wait!

I will make a motivated effort to update on a more regular basis, cause I've missed loadsa stuff but that's the gist, the summation, the core of my last week.

Oh and Hx - at 2pm this afternoon you are released from your silence - the secret can be told!!!

Lax, Lax very lax....

2005-08-12T14:06:00.000+01:00

Okay, big apologies for not writing anything but the world has been a bit mad these last couple of weeks and whenever I thought 'Oh I will sit down and blog' it got a little madder.

So what's been going on? I know you are all hanging on tenterhooks (NOT)wondering if K and I are up or down, divorced or together, happy or sad, well I'm pleased to say that after our slightly rocky start back down the togetherness road we have found a rather pleasant pace to trundle together down this difficult path.

We are not perfect (my subconscious crys out "he is not perfect, I'm as near as you could get" excuse me for a moment whilst I quieten down my alter ego.....) but lots of the stuff I wanted and he didn't seem to understand is now happening.

Im hopeful when I say I've become an easier person to live with - yes I'm still a nag, still anal and still obsessive - but I'm doing it all in a less controlling way, which K is able to deal with. We talk more, touch more and generally listen to each other rather than shouting and sulking. All grown up and making the whole process of living with each other a whole lot easier.

So a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who offered "worms" of wisdom, shoulders to cry on and understood that I really did need to call you up at silly o'clock in the morning drunk as a skunk to talk absolute crap.

Are we going to be friends forever? Asked Piglet.
Even longer, Pooh answered.
- A. A. Milne Winnie the Pooh

Work is still a pain, but in finding solace at home I've been able to find an ethos of working that works for me - I'm being nice to my Mawanker, even occasionally agreeing with him. He is very worried and is not quite sure how to take the change!!!!

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
- Homer Simpson

I've also some HUGE news, that Hx knows but is sworn to secrecy for the next few weeks. If you feel like taunting someone give her a call and just listen as she has to bite her tongue to stop herself from spilling. Tee hee - love you babe and promise I will let you know as soon as you can tell all!!!!

This weekend we are off to stay with friends in Lanarkshire then going up to Edinburgh to see Roberts play, on Sunday night we are heading down to London where we will spend the next week driving round London visiting friends and family.

As I said, all in all busy and hectic but good things are going on, I hope the world is as pleasant a place for you as it is for me!!!

Work

2005-08-03T15:59:00.000+01:00

This pretty much sums up how I feel about work and my ever supportive Mawanker!!!!

Oh how I love my job!!!!

Happy Minden Day

2005-08-01T08:45:00.000+01:00

Today, Minden Day, is a battle honour day, the the King's Own Yorkshire Light Infantry, which in proceeding years became part of the Fusiliers, squashed lots of Frenchies and gave good fight.

As an Ex member of the Fusiliers Im extending this celebratory "Yahoo" to all and sundry, but specially my Hooch Sister, Hx.

The Agony, the pain...

2005-07-28T09:13:00.000+01:00

Yep, I've finally decided that this ole body of mine needs some serious TLC (Torture, Loathing and Cramps) so Annemarie and I have undertaken an exercise regime to fight the buldge and force us into a state of fitness we took for granted whilst playing at soldiers over a decade ago.

Our first session of torture took place on Monday night. With her two kids in tow we headed onto the beach, stretching out and doing those silly jogging exercises you see seriously fit people doing.

Then I marked out 400 meters along the beach and the true pain started. We jogged the 400 meters, then walked 100, we lay upon the sand doing sit ups, press ups, crunches and star jumps, then jogged 400 meters, walked 100 and repeated the cycle.

Both of us died after the fourth cycle, so we warmed down and panted at each other for a good five mins. Walking, *stumbling*, home we both admitted that although obviously unfit we felt much better for having got out and done something. Three days down the line and I'm stiff, sore and not looking to the session tonight, but I will endure.

Whatever your doing - have fun!

Its Friday, its 6.56am, Im at work and

2005-07-22T06:53:00.000+01:00

this made me smile.

So go on, click here, you deserve a silly smile!

Have a good weekend.

What is it with Saturn....

2005-07-21T10:32:00.000+01:00

Cause whatever is happening is really freaking out my central stability, I’m up, I’m down, I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m giggling one moment and crying the next, I pick up the phone to call friends to see if they are suffering in this way and suddenly I’m putting the phone down unable to deal with the idea of a conversation. I’ve a whole tempestuous fervour of emotions flitting through my pea like brain and I’m left feeling like I’ve run a marathon but have lost a leg somewhere round the course.

Sunday night - I finished Harry Potter, I cried - it’s not allowed!!! I suppose I have to admit to being a huge fan, this range of books, for me, are up there with "Winnie the Pooh" and the "Lion, Witch and Wardrobe" series, these are books I re-read to remember the joy of childhood days and a time of innocence that did not need laptops and wine to make the evening feel good.

Monday - I got my licence back – Yehaw. However the thought of actually getting in the car and driving fills me with such trepidation that I’m thinking of going tea total.

Tuesday - K brought in “The Prisoner of Azkaban” and we watched it whilst drinking a gorgeous bottle of red wine (wasn’t driving so didn’t matter - so much for tea total) and eating pizza.

Wednesday - Work was sufferable. Mawanker is still off with sore testicles - sorry that alone makes me smile. I did very little, its amazing how little you can do whilst actually looking busy, this could be my new work ethic.

Thursday - I woke this morning and contemplated how I was going to get into work. The reality being I only have one mode of transport - my bike, but the hour between K leaving and me getting up I attempted to work out bus routes. Dudley, where I work has, about 3 buses that serve the area and you can spend up to an hour waiting for a connecting bus. Not great!

I eventually pulled my body from the bed and got on my bike. 15 mins later cycling up the one and only real hill I have to traverse my knee gave out and I lay on the floor in agony. 5 mins later, after kicking the bike with my good leg I hobbled back towards the trailer park, muttering to the cycle gods "I bally knew I shouldn't be cycling this morning"

One taxi journey, and £10's, later and I’m now in work attempting to do as little as possible but today my recently adopted work ethic is not happening, learndirect learners thwart my lazy desires and I’m teaching a class this afternoon.

But my biggest worry is how the heck am I going to get home!!!!

Kenilworth Weekend

2005-07-18T10:04:00.000+01:00

My oldest brother, Shaun, popped over from Cumbria to bring me cake, champagne and sunflowers on Friday night, it was lovely to see him and we spent a great evening conversing and laughing.

Saturday K and I set off for Kenilworth, where Robert - one of K's oldest friends - was performing "war of the roses" at Kenilworth castle. The journey down was a total nightmare and took a grueling 6 1/2 hours. Road works and traffic accidents slowed the journey down constantly and we made it to the hotel with just enough time for us to bathe before heading off to the Castle to meet Janey Q, Roberts girlfriend, Joe and Jenny, Roberts parents and Will, a friend of Roberts who we will be hearing much more of in the future.

Before I head on though have to tell you about my bath....

It was faaaaab. We moved from our old house, which had a double corner bath to the trailer which has only a shower, so this was my first bubbly bath in six months....

GEWGAWS

Anyway, we eventually stocked up on wine, bits to eat and made it to the Kenilworth castle with moments to spare. The castle itself is lovely in very pituresque grounds, unfortunately I took lots of crap pictures so have only a few worth showing.

This is before the show started.

This is Robert (cant remember which character this was - he played Richard III, very well, as his main part but also had a few cameo bits. This was Queen Margaret rubbing the blood of Warwicks child into his face just before they killed him.

This is Robert at the very end of the play doing the "now is the winter of our discontent speech"

And this is Joe, Roberts dad, doing a cross between Richard and Meatloaf.

All in all the evening was a great success and was rounded up by us all adjourning to the bar just across the road from the castle to catch up on life.

K has been asked by Robert and Will to go up to Edinburgh at the beginning of August with them to assist with their lights for the show they have written, produced and are acting in at the festival about Burke and Hair - the grave robbers, who didn't really rob graves but killed people. So if you do ever get to the Festival look out for the show, both guys are very talented and deserve a break.

Its my birthday, or was...

2005-07-15T12:20:00.000+01:00

But I spent much of it playing on my new lap top

From Keefe

and eating

my winnie the pooh cake

Couldnt bring myself to eat

So he is safe in the fridge...

Apart from the above I didnt really do much else - didnt even get very drunk, god is this old age/maturity slipping in?!!?

Any way a belated birthday wish to me, my pappy and my Uncle Llew - all on the 14th July, Papa Sucre for the 13th, Bob for the 15th and any other little crabs whom I may have missed.

Immmmm Baaaaack

2005-07-11T09:59:00.000+01:00

Well what a totally wonderful, madly incredulous and bizarre couple of weeks.

Spain, Smoothies and swimming.
Hx and Milky have both posted on this already, so I wont bore you with too many details. Three independent, self thinking females in a small, but perfect apartment, obviously led to a few “heated discussions” but I think we all had fun and I especially had a fantastic week getting to know Milky and renewing my friendship with Hx.

The temperatures were very much in the hot, hot area and we kept cool by swimming
a lot, eating regularly

The best "piella" ever
and drinking the occasional smoothie or fish bowl full of wine (that was just me wasn’t it?!?!)whilst attempting to kill mosquitoes and flies.

The Apartment itself was located in the lovely Palamores a small but up and coming village, lots of construction going on but nothing that was detrimental to the relaxing feel of the place.

Palamores at night

I can recommend it to anyone who wants a week in lovely surroundings, the swimming pool and grounds were perfectly tended

and I felt most lucky to be able to stay there – thanks Hx and Chris. Chris is I believe taking bookings!!!

Some, but not all , of the highlights
Loosing graciously at Yatzee – when one is wearing someone else’s glasses, making and drinking smoothies and attempting not to burn it’s very easy to loose at this game – that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
Almost getting a sun tan – yep I actually came back cream – a vast improvement on my previous blue, white, red, pink, white, blue tanning experiences.
Hx driving over to Carbanares – A London driver freaking over a hill, most amusing for me and Milky, but the girl did great!
Using my atrocious Spanish!
Making it all the way out to the furthest buoy – but most importantly making it back.
Milky’s description of her conversation with an elderly German on the nudist beach!
A knicker full of pebbles and scary seaweed.

The Indalo man - As written on my necklace gift tag "he bring good lick and prisperity to those who weer or adorn him on their doors"

Home and plodding down the road
Following a rather harrowing return journey I eventually got home and checked my phone, K had left a rather drunken message to say that we “needed to talk about our F-ing relationship”. Added to that the worry of a missing pussycat and my first night back at home was not quite what I had envisioned it.

Luckily after much wailing and walking Rosie was eventually located in our neighbours trailer – she had been locked in for the whole of the weekend. Neighbour was mortified and is now habitually checking cupboards, bedrooms and any other places a cat might fit before leaving the trailer.

K also arrived home and I steeled myself for the dreaded conversation, however the shouting never really took off and we had a very grown up conversation discussing feelings, needs and where we were.

I even showed him my blog and explained what it was all about, we talked about his previous marriage, his mum, how important I was to him and how he understood what I needed. We talked lots and I woke up on Monday morning feeling that we had headed down a very positive route.

The following week I have to admit to being unable to get into the work sphere so I skived the whole week off. Each night I went to bed promising myself I “would go back to work tomorrow” but it never happened.

Thursday’s horrendousness in London confirmed for me that I needed to be at home, cocooned in my trailer watching the news.

Friday Malcolm , K’s friend joined us for the weekend.

This is Malcolm

We had a lovely weekend eating out,

walking in the Ingram Valley
and poodling along the promenade at home enjoying the sunshine.

The downer!
Sadly – and I’m probably being hyper judgemental – K’s promises of happiness and understanding from last week began to show cracks, we argued and sniped and the tactileness we enjoyed at the beginning of the week disappeared, leaving me again feeling uncertain of our future.

No matter how much he professes to love me, to want to make us work, to want to make me happy it seems we cannot help but revert to the sniping and hurtfulness that we have come to know, if not love.

This said

2005-07-03T03:46:00.000+01:00

and when it said Icreid "ahhh bollox"

Horrible scope for this week

2005-06-24T12:39:00.000+01:00

Your week ahead:
Are you exhausted and exasperated? Or is that the perspiration born of inspiration now gathering on your brow? You can't tell. You're too tired and wired to know the difference. All you know is that the last few days have been intense. Even now, you are still dealing with a 'loaded' situation. Strong emotions have been triggered, deep desires have been awakened and profound new levels of understanding have been reached. Yet whether you have reason to feel happy or sad is unclear. You feel a mixture of both. Soon, though, you'll see how far you've come. And then, you'll smile.

Not sure what this portents, but I'm really looking forward to relaxing on the beach with Milky and Hx.

Trailer cleaned - Check
All Ironing and washing done - Check
Clean linen on beds - Check
Bags packed - Check
Soup and various dishes in freezer for K - Check
Fruit and veg ordered for next week - Check
Work filed, processed and up to date - Check
automatic response for email turned on - Check
In tray empty - Check
Out tray empty - Check
Drivers license applied for - Check
Passport in bag - Check
Flight confirmations in bag - Check
Camera in bag - Check

Anything else can just wait till I get back...that's it, I'm off - I need this holiday!!!

Bouncing Babies

2005-06-22T11:27:00.000+01:00

Today is just a day of Births and new life.

Firstly huge congratulations to Jane, Baby Boy (no name as yet) and Jamie Spence. Jamie in typical maleness forgot to mention in his email weight or any necessary details, but judging from the pic all is fine and wishing them all health, happiness and sleep filled nights.

Graeme has also sent me some lovely pics of his new addition to the family home....

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.

Last weekend.

2005-06-21T11:41:00.000+01:00

Feeling rather stressed and a bit wired, so going to do a quick blog on last Sunday. It was a great day and a crap evening...

Woke up Sunday morning having made plans with Sue, a friend from work, and her little boy, Jack, to go Morpeth dance festival. I did a bit of cleaning and put a wash in the machine, K was still snoring in his pit as I organised myself for the day.

Second wash in and other stuff hung out in the sunshine to dry K rose from the pit. I couldn't help myself and nagged him again about his inability to wipe the sides down after making a sandwich.... blah blah blah! Coffee and fag having woken him up he declined my offer to join us for the day and went off in search of Guinness and ciggies.

Bimbling round the trailer waiting for Sue to call I got an unexpected and pleasant phone call from Jo Templey as normal its been some time since we contacted each other, but Jo knew people who were doing a presentation at the fare so we agreed to pick her up, on the way - killing two birds with one stone. Since I last saw Jo she has put on some weight... but I believe this is fairly normal at 6 months pregnant...

Jo and baby bump

Just as Sue, Jack and I were leaving K turned up, he had popped out earlier to "get himself some Guinness and ciggies. I asked him to keep an eye on the washing and we left him to his Elvis CD's and DVD's.

The day itself was hot and sunny and we soon realised that all the jumpers and cardigans were totally unnecessary, we located the "Bare Toed Company" and met up with Jo's friends and colleagues.

Ice lollies and hot doughnuts purchased and we settled our selves in front of the trapeze ready to be entertained.

Sue and Jack

We were not disappointed. Bare Toed does shows for kids and we were taken on a fanciful journey by three caterpillars through the seasons.

The caterpillars wake up

Their interpretation was a delight, the kids cheered and clapped as the girls danced around the stage with scarfs, leaves and snow ball (pompoms). As Rachel flew through the air upside down one little boy screamed out in delight "See mam, she's doing it with her eyes shut!"

At the end of the show everyone was invited onto the stage area for a workshop in dance, trapeze and music.

It was a great afternoon and Jack was more than ready to do some dancing when it was suggested we join Jo and Annabel in a dance workshop. We spent the rest of the afternoon "Baby boggy-ing", a simple way for parents to interact with their kids. Again there was lots of emphasis on scarfs and touching and dancing - I loved it.

Sue, Jack and I rounded off our day with a meal in a local pub, just as the meal came the heavens opened and the rain poured forth, bringing a natural but needed end to the day. Sue dropped me off in the trailer park, attempting to dodge the floods and kids in Wellington boots playing in the water.

Obviously as we pulled up outside the trailer I was slightly less than amazed to see the washing still outside. I stormed into the trailer to find K asleep on the sofa surrounded by Guinness cans and CD's fast asleep - I stropped, he went back to sleep. I wiped up the mess from sandwiches made and retired to the little bedroom to lick my proverbial hurts.

The heavens opened more and the water levels rose, feeling the need to do something stupid I donned my Wellington boots and went and played with the kids in the rain - "eee missus your mad" they chanted at me and joined in as we did battle in puddles. Why when your standing up to your knees in water, clothes drenched and hair a mess do you feel your most liberated and free - I don't think I've laughed that hard for ages.

Moon Walk

2005-06-18T09:59:00.000+01:00

I applied, but didnt get to play on this years moonwalk so Im sending all those bra wearing babes/babettes a huge tinternet hug and mars bar.

Bloo and Hx - Good luck, you are the wind beneath my wings!

My positive Wizard - he said no!

2005-06-15T14:04:00.000+01:00

Just been speaking to my Positive Wizard and he thinks my blogging about my relationship with K is detrimental to K and kinda offensive, because it is about him but excludes him and like most things my PW says it has an element of truth that got me thinking!

Here I am exposing my inner most thoughts and feelings to the world (or anyone bored with enough time to find the site) but I'm not sharing these thoughts and feelings with him, the one person I should be sharing them with.

As PW kindly pointed out, I'm probably not saying anything on this site I wouldn't say to my girlfriends, but am I writing things down of a personal nature that I haven't said to K? So is it unfair of me to do this, many think of their blogs as a diary - its kinda how I view mine, but this is very much a public diary, so if its public to the world, shouldn't it be public to him?

Ahhh PW - you make questions flit through my tiny brain, I love you!

Look what Stan did.....

2005-06-14T14:43:00.000+01:00

I'm grinning like this

cause it looks so lovely.

Everything I asked him for is done, profile, archives and links down the side and great colours. He is totally one of the most bestest webpage guys I know-He may be the only web page guy I know but he is the best.

Thanks Stan, you made me look all growed up!

Blahhh went the weekend!

2005-06-13T16:00:00.000+01:00

Friday - you know I cant remember what I did Friday night. Think I got drunk but cant remember - Oh god - K passed out on the sofa and I remember covering him up about 1.30am but that's it!!!

Saturday
Woke up to an empty trailer - K had got up early for the first time in months and went to get his hair cut. To make up for last nights drinking session I got out the pledge, window cleaner and hit the trailer.

The rest of the afternoon was spent laying on sofa and watching 2 of the 4 DVD's K had brought in for the weekend. We watched one of my favourite actors Wenzil Doshington (Denzil Washington) in "Man on Fire" a brilliant film, despite the slightly cheesy ending - Loved the extras - and Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in "Two Weeks Notice" - a pleasant chick flick and made me consider cutting a fringe back into my now one length hair!

By 5.30 K had passed out on the sofa so I spent the rest of the night playing on MSN - met a new friend on the Backgammon site, Carol from Canada, also did two other things that was very stupid, but not blogging about them cause I will get in trouble!

Covered K up about 2.30 and stumbled into bed!

Sunday
To save drunken face got the piles of washing threatening to drown us undercontrol and managed to get all the ironing done! K put the last two DVD's on "Exorcist" - why do they do this to perfectly good classics! And another Wenzel Doshington film "Hurricane" which I loved!

Cooked dinner and watched more TV, watched House - soon coming to Channel 5 for those of you without Sky and is a must see!

So all in all a pretty mundane weekend made bearable with DVD's and dare I say it - TV!!!!

Right, where was I - Oh yes, Ireland - another fantastic weekend!

2005-06-09T11:18:00.000+01:00

Bugger, right, armed with a desire to get this posted and a new found urge to save at every opportunity I'm going to begin - my last entry started with this......

I think I may be coming down with serial happiness! Or perhaps its just that I enjoy good company, great food and copious amounts of alcohol - Be-jeevers though, the Irish know how to offer hospitality!

Okay firstly some background on the people discussed in this blog.

Marci is an old friend from London, she came to visit a couple of weeks back and in passing conversations an invitation was made to travel with her and Annie, Graeme's sister, over to Ireland to visit Graeme. Graeme was a friend of a friend in my TA regiment who after much drinking also became a friend: we got very drunk on several occasions, dowsed and hugged trees. He is also, uniquely, a lovely chap who not only embodies the Irish friendliness but is also an extremely intelligent guy with a fantastic sense of humour.

Quite apt here to note that this is all the blog saved so from this moment on its fresh territory!!!

Leaving on an Easyjet Plane
Keefe and I made our respective ways to the airport on Friday night, he by taxi me by bus and train, he with bags me with MP3 player and a plastic bag full of all the stuff I had forgotten to pack Thursday night.

We got to the airport and checked in with relative "Easyjet" ease! Then set off to find food, we had planned to dine in a little restaurant at the airport but sadly some numpty had decided in the infinite wisdom called “planning” to change the services offered and we were informed by a spotty faced youth “we don’t serve food after 6pm”. I have to say here that one of my primary concerns was the copious amounts of food stored in those lovely little display cabinets you get in fine restaurants of this high calibre - I mean here is St Bob ranting on about feeding the hungry and this restaurant feels okay to just throw away perfectly tasty looking cheese pasties, the other thing that worried me was the the fact that we were stood in the check in lounge that should surely have to cater to people in a fairly "trapped status", once in you dont get to go back out for fast food - but who am I to question these decisions?

K and I eventually did what ever weary traveller is forced to do – we shopped for sandwiches and chocolate in Boots – good ole Boots! Fed and happy we waited all of 30 mins till our plane was called for bording and headed off to climb aboard the smallish metal tube called an aeroplane!

No sooner were we up in the air, with easy jet magazines handed out, than the pilot was on the speaker telling us that we were about to land. 37 mins in the air meant we didn’t even have time to check out the sick bags or pur-chase a drink!

Plans that don’t work
The plan, previously arranged with Marci, was this. K and I were due in to Belfast International airport at 8.30ish Marci and Annie were due to land about 9.30ish, we, K and I were to collect our bags find a bar and wait for their plane, got that – good!

We got in, touch down bumpy but nothing a seasoned travel doesn’t laugh at, or does depending on your perspective. Collected our bags and then K said he needed a fag. He seemed a little drawn around the mouth, after all it had been a whole hmmm hour since his last one, so we did the panicked smoker search around the airport and couldn’t find anywhere with friendly “smokers sit here” signs, so we dashed madly towards the exits. As we passed through the doors it suddenly dawned on me that we had entered a space that offered limited entertainment - it did contain 6 plastic chairs, a drinks machine and a confectionary machine, that upon further investigation promised delights aplenty.

K sucked contentedly on his fag as I searched the immediate area for a toilet and a way back to the shiny bars and places of alcoholic temptation, sadly it looked like the only way in to the Promised Land was through the check out. I flipped open my phone with the intention of texting Marci to tell her we would be outside and spotted the little icon that tells me someone has called and I’ve not heard the phone – which is nearly always there because I constantly forget to switch my phone on. Low and behold there was a message from Marci to say they had been delayed at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half – ARGGGHHGHGGHG and no toilets in sight!

In a valiant effort to get back into alcohol heaven we sneaked through the no entrance/exit doors and made a dash back up the corridor. But no further than 10 meters into our dash and a soft lilting “Stop – you cannot go back up this corridor” resounded from some unseen speaker - Foiled Morriarty! Not wanting to cause an international incident we turned tail and dashed back down the corridor through the exit doors and stood whistling and tapping our feet in the “wasn’t me” pose struck by all non-innocents.

Back in the smallish space that was now even more devoid of personality and warmth we were forced to wait with menace for the elderly and infirm to vacate one of the plastic chairs. Whilst one especially infirm elderly lady tottered towards the confectionary machine I slipped in like a pouncey thing and stole her seat – Ha! Book out and bottom comfy I happily ignored the stares and hurtful whispers of those around me.

The space slowly emptied and soon it was only K and I sat waiting, with the occasional person coming in to greet a smiley traveller and quickly depart. The arrivals monitor was telling us that the planes from Gatwick and Luton were delayed again and not due in till 11.40. The elderly and infirm gone I felt it was to leave my seat and I investigated the confectionary machine and stocked up on supplies better safe than sorry. K went out and investigated toilets and was informed that you could go through check out if you needed to use the smallest room in the airport! However before I could avail myself of a chocolate goodie two smiling faces walked through the doors, Marci and Annie had flown from Bristol – Smiles and hugs all round. There was much laughter when Annie informed us we could have gone through check in and waited in the bar – Oh how I grimaced!!!

The 45 min journey was full of catch up news – the best of all was that Marci has actually sold her Balham flat. Annie did a guided tour in the dark, we asked intelligent questions and peered into the darkness. Now I’m probably going to get this wrong, cause that’s me, we were staying in Graeme and Annie’s Grandma’s house that was based in Bally carrie – the local off licence much to K’s amusement was called “Bally Carrie Out”.

More plans for the foiling
Over a bottle of wine or two it was discussed that Graeme would be joining us sometime tomorrow for a BBQ being held at PawLEEN’s (Pauline – but said with enthusiastic Irish accent), a friend of Annie’s. Annie had booked two tarot readings, one for myself and one for her, also to be done at PawLEEN’s house.

In the loosest possible way it was decided that tomorrow, Saturday, we were going to do some Shannon sightseeing and then Annie and I would fit in our respective readings, we would then locate a bar and K could try some real Guinness, we had to meet up with Frank - Annie's Dad - and Annie also wanted to fit in a visit with Grandma, later on in the evening we were to return to PawLEEN’s for the BBQ. Phew – I’m so glad we weren’t trying to fit too much into one day!

Annie and Marci - they will probably hate me for this photo.

Wine drunk, beds assigned and heated blankets switched on we retired to bed sometime between 1am and 3am – not quite sure which - with promises of early rising and clear heads.

9.30 we were all up if not awake and ready for the offing. Annie kindly took me back to my old haunts of 81. We past Palace Barracks and Redburn Primary School, we visited the harbour where I would often swim as a small blue child and travelled up the main street of Holywood. I was spooked by images familiar and yet strange, this small town at first so different from my childhood memories occasionally forced feelings of Déjà vu as we passed monuments and buildings that I recognised.

The Bay where I would swim as a small blue child.

Annie’s reading was delayed so we decided our best option was for Marci, K and me to visit a local hosteller and pur-chase some real “Oirish Guinness” whilst Annie went for her reading - This we did and yes D_man it very goodly black stuff!

Annie picked us all up after several pints of the black stuff and we went off for my reading. I wont bore you all with the details needless to say Romeana (SP) was brilliant, she knew lots, advised more and set my head a spinning - If you need more information call and I will bore you stupid!

We set off to another village to meet Frank – Graeme and Annie’s Pappy – and had a pleasant time a chatting in yet another “O-irish” pub, talking about Hemp and its uses, then we returned back to the Grandma’s place to ready ourselves for the BBQ.

PawLEEN is a huge character who can be summed up as a cross between Mystic Meg and Vanessa – she greeted us all as long lost friends, fake nails flashing in the light “Dharlings your so welcome” and filled our glasses up several times with “bubbly”. In no time at all we were fed, watered and amused by our newfound friends.

Graeme wasn’t going to show, because he wasn’t feeling too well, but I think the numerous phone calls from Marci, myself but mainly PawLEEEN drove him from his duvet and he joined us for a couple of drinks and a bite to eat. It was during this time that a motorbike ride was mentioned and I in my fetish driven state jumped upon the idea of me leaving with Graeme early Sunday morning for a speed driven tour up the coast. Marci in her loveliness agreed to drive K at a more “pleasant and sedate” time and pace with the four of us meeting up at some non-determined point and time - Ahha my sort of plan!

This decided, Graeme left and Anthony, I think his name was, falling into the BBQ in a drunken “I’m not drunk” sort of way meant that our departure was fairly imminent. Marci trying to convince us that we needed to call the fire brigade to put out the fire on PawLEEN’s deck caused much amusement!

A goodbye snap

Brenda from Wales, Annie, Marci (hidden)PawLEEN - front row

Allan - Brenda's Hubby and K.

Back at Grannies place we decided as Annie had only been slightly drinking it was only fair that we got her caught up with us, so wine and G&T’s flowed. Somewhere between taking 48 pictures in a down periscope type motion and crashing out on the kitchen floor I did what Annie termed as a very amusing impersonation of someone who has forgotten to put their helmet visor down whilst travelling on the back of a motorbike.

I wont bore you with all 48 photos, but

Going

Going

Going

almost

Gone

Unbelievably I was up by the allotted time of 9.30 to greet Graeme, who had kindly come with leathers aplenty. After donning said leather trousers and jacket I was taken outside and introduced to Graemes bike.

Pst - are you allowed to sit pillion this drunk?

Forgive me but – WOW – it was one of those big touring bikes and if I hadn’t been dragged up so properly I would probably have removed my clothes there and then and licked the beast all over. Not saying I have a bike fetish but wobbly legs and panting filled my every emotion.

Firmly ensconced on the back of the beast, with helmet mic’s plugged in – how very civilised – we set off to meet Graeme’s rallying pals. More men on big bikes! I’m really not quite sure how I resisted the urge to ask all of them to have my children over a huge Irish breakfast - Ulster Fry - at Cushenden, but I did.

Four Bikes – Had to stand this far back because of the drooling.

Three men in leathers!

Marci was called and I was happily informed that the two of them had only just left - eye lashes battering like some 18th Century virgin and smile beaming I convinced – didn’t take much – Graeme to take me on further up the coast to the Giants Causeway.

Morning ride over, Garry and Kevin (I think) climbed upon their bikes and sped off into the distance. As we had so much spare time John decided to join Graeme and I on a “Wee walk” so we walked down to this totally idyllic point

and listened to the birds.

Views appreciated and goodbyes said John headed back to the family, whilst Graeme and I headed further up the coast.

I think we stopped here for ice cream, this could be Bally Craig (but I left my postcard at Graeme’s so not too sure - UPDATE - Graeme tells me this was Ballintoy) and we had a heart to heart, we discussed our readings, our relationships and much advice was given and listened to – thanks G!

Back on the bike we took in the smallest church in Ireland - A small brick building about 8ft by 12 ft with pews and altar located in a small harbour port (UPDATE Port Bradden)– Only in Ireland!

The last leg of the journey up the coast to the Giants Causeway was done at speed but remarkably safely, Graeme is an excellent motorcyclist and I felt completed at home, in heaven and happy.

As we pulled into the car park Marci and K were just paying for their entrance fee. We slipped round the side and got in for free – tee hee! Graeme sadly needed to get back home to meet up with friends and organise stuff for the BBQ at Franks later on in the day. Goodbyes and hugs made I patted the beast one last time and headed off with Marci and K for more ice cream – hey a girl has to console herself some how!

We contemplated getting the bus down to the causeway but decided to go for the healthy walk option – down hill is always easier than up. I have visited this strange tourist site as a kid and was again hit by the sense of déjà vu of coming back to somewhere you’ve visited a long time ago. The sun was out and it was an inspiring, but small, site – sorry to sound so American, for better pictures please visit the site.

But here's a few from me:

Chimney Pots - Really - they do look a bit like chimney pots.

Marci walking her way through a bottle of wine

The return journey was contemplated and we decided to walk back to the car to luncheon on the picnic Annie had kindly prepared. K and Marci were supposed to pick up cheese and mayo for sandwiches but hadn't, I scoffed my egg just as the bread was produced, so we had to get creative with our fillings. K informed us that “mango butties were the new big thing!" Bellies full again we then had to decide whether to go and visit the

Bush Mills or the Rope bridge

. Obviously Bush Mills was the preferred site to visit but we were running short of time and it seemed a good reason to come back and visit some other time, so with Marci as driver we set off for the Rope bridge.

Now it seems this magnificent bridge was set up by two fishermen however I couldn’t shake off the image of two of Irelands finest having this conversations whilst imbibing a pot of the black stuff.

Paddy - “Shamus, if we strung a rope from the main island to to our wee island, do you tink we could get t’ tourists to pay for’t?” (Sorry sounds more Yorkshire than Irish)
Shamus – “to be sure Paddy, after’all don’t we get them to buy canned Guinness?”

It was a long walk to the bridge and not as scary as a stupid American tourist made it out to be whilst screaming at the top of her lungs “Ohhh my God, it’s a bridge, its Rope, its moving” DOH – go figure!

However the view was fantastic, I just hope Marcie’s pictures came out better than mine.

Back on the main island we bundled back into the car and headed off for Whitehead to meet up with Graeme, we caught him on the main street and followed him back to Franks where we had a very pleasant evening eating, drinking Oh and you got it - chatting.

Frank is an amazing bloke who did 80 odd missions in the second world war as a fighter pilot – still waters run deep an all that - their house is so impressive with a Belfast view and friendly cows!

Rosebank

Graeme left early on to meet up with friends and we followed for last orders, which we thought were 10.30, however on breaking into the pub we discovered it was 10pm. Irish charm came to the rescue and procured for us three pints of Guinness and a diet coke for Marci. More chat, more laughter and long tales and we eventually left the pub with hugs, farewells and “be sure t’ come back soon’s”.

Graeme had made plans to pick K and I up for 6.30 to get us to the airport for our 7.30 flight therefore an early night was called for however back at Grannies we decided that the alcohol in the house needed to be finished - it going off so easily an all. When going to bed I think I remember the face on the clock looking like it could have been very similar to a clock doing an impersonation of a clock showing 4am, but obviously it wouldn’t have been 4am because I was supposed to be up at 6am. Graeme picked us up – ON TIME – and dropped us off at the airport with more hugs and sad farewells.

All in all it was one fabultastic weekend full of new friends, renewed friendships, big bikes and shed loads of alcohol – when can I go back!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhh - stupid bloody blog!!!!!

2005-06-08T17:08:00.000+01:00

I've just spent the last hour and a half writing lots of words and putting in lots of pictures about the lovely trip I just had in Ireland and the stupid pooter errored all over my ass and got rid of it!

Someone tell it!

Not faiiiiiirr!

Howl!!!!

Star wars Horriblescope

2005-06-02T08:51:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Milky for finding this one

*heavy breath* The force is strong in this one *Heavy breath*

Star Wars Horoscope for Cancer
You may whine at times, but you've developed a thick hard shell

(like that of a crab - DOH!!!).

You are strong willed and persistent - until you get what you want.

You never shy away from a fight, even when things get dangerous.

Mentally sharp, you are starting to master the elements of mind manipulation.

Star Wars character you are most like: Luke Skywalker

And this was K's - its all so clear now!!!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you.

Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you.

You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle.

Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What star Wars horriblescope are you?

Wonderful Weekend

2005-05-31T11:33:00.000+01:00

You know its been a long time since I've said I had a wonderful weekend, well apart from the weekend Marci came to visit and the weekend I talked endesley to jerry - Okay, well its not been that long, but this weekend was one of those weekends that fill my face with smiles.

Friday I baby sat for the lovely Annemarie, who was out with work mates. K and I took Jed and Rebecca to the cinema to watch "Revenge of the slighgjsotijothhhhhh" it was very much a boys film and the only really good thing I can say about it was "it tied up most of the loose ends".

It didn't have any ewoks in it at all and Jabba was only present for a few moments - Yes okay it was technically clever and the fight scenes with the light sabers were quite beautifully done but somewhere in the scripting the "love" we felt for the likes of Luke and Hans (ohhh especially Hans) was lost and I kinda wanted Neil Lisam (Sp - apologies) to die!!

I guess the whole movie can be summed up by Jed and Rebeccas scoring the film.
ME - " if ten is the best and one the worst, what score would you give it?"
Rebecca - "minus 10"
Jed "six hundred and seventy thousand"
Boys Flick and sith happens!!!

Off to surprise Bev
Last week whilst talking to my oldest school friends husband, Simon, we two hatched a plan to surprise Bev at a BBQ she was organising for work colleagues and friends. Saturday morning I packed our bag and hearded K out of bed - we had places to be, people to surprise and BBQ to eat!

However whilst unpacking my work bag it suddenly dawned on me that I had forgotten to print off the email Simon had sent me with directions to their house. Not to be outdone by my own stupidity I located our address book from under a pile of filing and looked up directions on the "tinternet".

Cool - directions for Crook Key Cottages in Cockerham were found, feeling smug the car was packed and we headed off towards the hills I know and love called Cumbria. My brother, Shaun, had previously mentioned a short cut route which K decided we should try out - the A686. It may have knocked off a couple of miles but boy was it wiggly woggly - Top speed 40mph, worst 3mph. The views were spectacular as we crested the highest point but as we finally got onto the M6, thanking our lucky stars for the Romans, we decided to go home M6/A69.

Another hour on the road and we saw signs for Cockerham and Garstang - nearly there.

An hour later and we were still driving round Cockerham cause the "destructions" just took us into the village not to the door - "Stupid Shannon". Being male and the driver K didn't want to stop and ask for help/instructions so we drove for a bit more. After banging on the door of the local police station and getting no answer we decided to call Simon. Bev answered the phone, I umhmmed and ahred and pretended I needed to speak to Simon about car problems (Simon is great with cars) but Bev said he was BBQing - still not ready to give up the ruse I asked Bev to get Si to call me. (She didnt - CAAAW!!!)

We drove around some more and found a Crook Key Hall - hey desperate people do strange things - so we drove up and down the lane and did some trespassing, but we couldn't spot the numerous cars I knew Simon and Bev had so knew we were in the wrong place.

We drove back out of Cockerham and then back into Cockerham, we drove down every road we could, expecting to site BBQ smoke, it was about this point that we began to snipe at each other, but before we could get into full flow there, in a garden digging weeds, was a silver haired angel.

I told K to pull over the car and did the thing only women seem able to do. "Scuse me" said I, small yippy dogs barking at me, "could you tell me how to get to Crook Key Cottages please".

The small woman looked confused and then slightly disturbed "No sorry, I've never heard of it".

"Owww" I mewled *shake of the head, eyes rolling* "I'm supposed to be a surprise for a friends BBQ and we are totally lost, I don't suppose you know them do you - Bev and Simon"? My silver haired angesl face split into a grin and she said "Yes, of course I know them, but they've moved"

DOH!

"Oh, not a problem I know exactly where they have gone to I used to live quite close by". Beautiful, beautiful woman!!! Directions obtained and back in the car we headed off to surprise Bev.

You should have seen her face, it went through the whole gamult of emotions - confusion, shock, pleasure, she finally ending up berating us for not telling her we were coming - how we smiled and hugged!

Simon is never one to be outdone and is no different when it comes to organinsing a space for a BBQ. He has his own big yellow bus with "party equipment". It actually belongs to the people he does rallying with but I like to think of it as his!

Behind this mammoth tent construction is Simon's big yellow bus - it comes with several fridges filled with wine and beer. Hmmm my very own dream come true.

Wine glass filled and introductions made, and promptly forgotten, we all got down to the drinking and eating stuff.

Keefe, Trish, Stefan (I think) His girlfriend - I was never introduced to her but she was very

pretty and had great eyeshadow. Bev - with beer in hand,

Marcus, his wife and Daughter Mara (maybe) in front.

(Told you I was crap with the introduction stuff)

All in all a most fantastic afternoon, children were present but kept under control, the afternoon passed into evening and the wine flowed almost as well as the converasation.

I met two very interesting guys Steve (Future PM) and Andy ( Spin Doctor) who were setting out their manifesto for their own parliamentary party. Of course I had to get in on this - however because of the flowing wine I'm a bit uncertain about most of the policies.

I did get myself promoted to Chief Whip (lash), Simon's brother Alexander was designated Yf (Youth) representative and Trish - Simons mum - was the over 50's rep I think. Ms Rasberry - Bev had apparently offered to solve any sexual problems within the party, but not sure how exactly!

Things I can remember:

Wales was going to be sunk - there was a very good argument for doing this but other than its full of Welsh folks and big hills I cant remember what it was.
All sheep will be given scuba gear (just because we are sinking Wales we don't want to loose the sheep)
Everyone will be directed to live life to the full with copious useage of drugs, alcohol or sex (preference is down to the individual - usage of all three will be heartlily encouraged).
Cigars will be smoked by everyone.
There will be no written words. The groups guru - Mr Savant - will be the parties representative when anyone has questions *shhh - Im actually Mr Savant*
There was something about everyone over 55 having to join the army/forces, but Im not quite sure how that fit in with point 3.
PM's main role was to figure out the real meaning of life - none of us were happy with Adam Duglas's "42".

The rest of the manifesto, I seem to remember two pages of small block capital writing, seems to have slipped my mind - although I believe that it was actually part of Chief Whips role to remember it - DOH!!!

The rest of the night was just a blur of filled wine glasses and chat - I wanted to do the washing up, but Bev wouldn't let me, I ground my teeth, smoked a cigar and got lost going to the toilet sometime during the early hours of the morning.

Sunday slipped by with causal bankholiday verve - we did various things including sitting in the sun, eating some of the best ice cream I have ever tasted, visiting several tourist spots, feeding Gulliver - Bev's horse and helping Simon take down the tent and clear out the bus. I also got to see a four day old mare - who had the longest legs, biggest eyes and cutest hairy chin!

But I have to say one of the weekends highlights was Simon letting me drive his bus. We had moved the bus onto private ground to ready it for parking when Simon hopped out of his seat and said "go on then". I had a brief flash back of the magistrate saying "if you drive within this six month period, you will be prosecuted, sent to prison and forced to share a cell with a woman called Bruce who wants to call you Bubba".

Before I could stop myself I was sat in the seat and going round in circles - My grin was HUGE!!! Sorry I just couldn't miss this opportunity - I wanna be a bus driver!!!!

This picture does no justice to this magnificent beast.

In the evening we filled our faces with left over BBQ Stuff - that Beverly woman can sure produce a stomach busting meal from nothing! Then we amused ourselves with a few more beers and the viewing of "Underworld" on Simons TESCO brought DVD!!! - Tee hee, sorry, but he was so embarrassed about it being from Tesco's I just had to mention it!

Not sure if you have seen this "vampirique/Weirdwoolf" offering but Simon called it "Underpants" not sure why - could be the tight fitting leather everyone wears (its a Simon thing) but I think his pet name actually summed up the film - I liked the end!!!

K and I shared a leisurely breakfast with Simon and Lynn (the lovely lodger/house sharer), Bev was at work - mad woman - its Bank Holiday Monday!!!

At about 11.15 we set off home. The journey over to Cumbria took just over 4hrs - scenic view, the journey home just over 2 and a half hrs - Hmmm know which route we will be using next time. Got in, did the washing, cooked soup and made turnip and carrot spread (yummy). K watched TV and I finished the Terry Pratchet book "Going Postal" I had "borrowed".

All in all a bally wonderful weekend and huge thanks to Simon, Bev and Lynn for their hospitality!

What are the keys to your heart?

2005-05-26T09:04:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Peachy for this one...

Kinda scarey - especially the last three!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What are the keys to your heart

Weekends mianderings.

2005-05-25T13:01:00.000+01:00

Well now Im done with all that question stuff I will begin with the weekend just gone.

Friday was pretty much the same as every Friday - Enjoyed a bottle of wine and watched TV. Knowing we were heading off bright and early Saturday morning on Delaval Players annual walk, I brushed my teeth and headed off early to bed. The early bird gets the worm an all.. ...

Saturday brought us clear skies and the promise of sunshine, even though the weather forecast said rain. I packed a bag for the forthcoming walk: flask of coffee for Keefe, bottle of water for me. I made an executive decision to pick up sandwhiches on the way there as I forgot to take the bread out last night - so much for the early bird and worm theory. Spare breathable top and spare socks, I figured it was only a 9 mile walk so wouldnt need excessive clothes - slightly worried about the fact that we had no wet weather stuff, but hey ho - it wasnt going to rain!

I put tracksuit bottoms and a breathable top on the bed for Keefe after donning my own, five minutes later he came out wearing jeans and a sweatshirt - Okay his choice. We had a lengthy discussion regarding coats - he wanted to take a very heavy coat and I managed to convince him a fleece would be better.

My boots

Discussions on clothes finished, we headed off to the car park to meet our earst while team leader Steven.

Headed off for Barnard Castle - just south of Durham. The skies promised rain but held off - Phew. Met up with Margaret, Peter, Kath and Dave at exactly 10.26 - Nicky and Rob joined us minues later. Apparently the group has not, to date, ever got there on time. Things are looking good!

Why when your trying to a picture of a whole group do lots of people hide!!!

Steven lead the group up to Morrisons where we all did the usual stuff - purchased sandwhiches, drinks and used the facilities. We then walked through the very pituresque village, a quick but healthy pace.

Adopting Briggsy's style at this point Im just going to say we past this

We walked about four miles - lovely pace, lots of chatting and looking and "ooohhhing and Ahhhhing" and smelling of flowers and eating real live garlic plants and we eventually stopped here for lunch.

This is Rob and Nicky, Dave and Kath scoffing, with Steven contemplating the view

Once we had all filled our faces and investigated the fish we pulled on our rucksacks and walked lots more, passing the oldest swing bridge in the area, headed up some very steep steps and crossed an area covered in sheeps poo! As we returned to the cover of the trees the heavens opened, but luckily we were protected by the trees.

From here we walked another couple of miles and saw this

Highlights of the day

The pretty ravine showed above - There was a beautiful rainbow but sadly camera didnt pick it up. Blaming my camera. Must learn how to use it properly.
The scenery - I've never walked in this area and the different landscapes we saw just thrilled me. I love being out in the country.
Keefe holding my HAND - Oh my god. Totally surprised when he did. I was so shocked I actually asked him why? "Cause I can" was his reply!

Lowlights

Steven fell over and got all embarrassed, I kindly took the p out of him. Obviously made him feel much better.
Even though I lead the group for most of the day I was at times very aware of how my fitness has slipped.

In the evening 21 members of the theatre group met up for a meal, which was gorgeous. One of the oldest members Jim was telling me all about a small village he is moving to over in Cumbria. I was amazed and delighted to hear that it was Arnside - a village very familiar to me from my school days.

We talked and became charmed with each other - Im now Jims best friend and he introduced me to every one as the lovely Shannon, who knows Arnside. *glow*. Give me a OAP and I can get them eating out of my hand!!!

Sunday K and I returned to the normality of life. Food, drink and TV.

24 Questions - 24 Answers.

2005-05-23T19:25:00.000+01:00

Bugger and botherations - Okay been checking the rules and apparently this is going to be fun. So here they are with great big smoochy thanks to those who took delight in putting me through this "bit of fun", revenge is a dish best served cold... .just you wait - lol!

From Stan
1.What are your ideal vocation ?
Knowing that should be "what is your ideal" probably means I’m in the right job – teaching. But I often question if Im teaching the right age group, I love teaching adults but I have a very rose coloured ideal of teaching munchkins computers – they are after all our future or something like that.

However if I could wave a magic wand I’d probably be living somewhere warmer than here, living by the sea and dealing with dolphins and whales in one form or another!

2. What are your Fav tunes?
God the list is endless. My music taste is somewhat eclectical, I’ve nicked lots of cds from friends and habitually buy Cd’s in shops of people I’ve never heard of just to see if I might find something I like.

That said I’m a girlie when it comes to music and love singers who do the “ballard", you know the type of stuff, you can actually hear what they are singing!. So Paula Cole, ABBA, Shania Twain, Cyndi Lauper, Alison Moyet, Every thing but the girl, Lemon heads, Texas, Bangles, Queen, Kirsty MacColl, Suzanne Vega, Eddi Reader, Alanis Morissette, Eva Cassidy - The list goes on, but Im digressing and these are probably more artists than tunes so, summing up, there are three songs I listen to a lot at the moment that make me goose bumpy:
Janice Ian’s 17
Paula Cole – Im so ordinary
Joan Armatrading - Less Happy more often’

But these could and do change on a daily/hourly basis.

3. Have you ever downloaded music from tinternet?
Who?, me?Never!

Yes of course I have - who hasnt? I regularly use WinMx. I did sign up for one of those pay a one off sum and download all you want, but couldn’t figure out how to use it, so went back to WinMx licking my tinternet wounds.

4. Have/do you surf porn on the tinternet?
Have to say no to this one. Porn for me is much more hands on/interactive thing than what you generally seem to get from tinternet. Im not against it, just doesn’t “float my boat” as they say!

Phew – that wasn’t actually all that hard.

NEXT!

Hx – just knew you would do this.

5. What is the most outrageous place you've had sex?
Has to be a graveyard in Wales, but you knew that. Always thought I would remember the name of the guy whose crypt we used, but thinking back now my mind is a blank. I used to have a deep fear of graveyards but now they are just a place I strangely associate with great sex.

6. If money wasn't an option what one extravagant thing would you buy yourself
A boob reduction and perfect teeth - sorry thats two... have another one, because

I guess one of these would be nice

Obviously I would then have to do my license and tour it through America.

7. What is your inside leg measurement?
God haven’t got a clue, need to invest in a tape measure. I tried to measure using a 6cm ruler, but kept giggling, so justifying a 28” inside leg by surmising I wear 32” leg trousers, but they are always too long, so I’m probably nearer 30”, which means I’m a confirmed short ass!

8. If you could choose who would you most wanna shag?
Like my music taste the list is numerous because I think lots of people are sexy so going to split this into three qualifying areas:
Film/TV lala land– Mr Alan Rickman, he is smart, sensitive, cruel and intelligent and has the most amazing hands.
From my past – Nick Holden, I used to have regular heavy petting sessions with this guy at school. We would thrust and pant until we could go no further but never ever went past a naked third base. I guess I would just like to see if the reality could ever live up to the expectation.
My husband of course – what else could I say!

D Man Its taken me a long time to write this, cause your question 9. "What affect did the attack have on your life" was a real bitch. But in essence the attack affected every part of my life. I left London because of it, I no longer felt safe in an environment I knew as home. I became distrustful of strangers and it eroded some of the unquestioning trust and innocence that was a huge part of my character.

For a long time I hated myself because I was stupid enough to put myself into that situation, I couldn’t talk to friends because they wouldn’t understand the guilt I felt, I resented anyone touching me and that made my relationship with K very difficult. Counseling and having gone back to face some of the pain has helped me move forward, but like all things in life it’s a slow process.

10. When you get your license back, what will happen to your bike?
I’ve already made a conscious decision to cycle into work at least three days out of the five. I’m hoping to make sure it’s four, but will need to get my sorry ass more organised so I can pick up and drop off clothes and stuff, but I’m definitely going to keep it. From something really negative it’s been a very pleasant positive.

11.What's the most fun thing you've ever done? Hmm swimming with dolphins in NZ, Bungee jumping, ski diving, Kayaked up the Grand Canyon, laughed so hard with friends I wet myself, I guess my life has been full of lots of fun.

12. What Star Wars character best sums you up? (and why?)

“One of the galaxy's top criminal underlords, Jabba the Hutt has been in charge of a major criminal empire since he was about 600 years old. He moved to Tatooine and established himself at a palace built around the ancient monastery of B'ommar monks. Its centerpiece is a huge throne room where Jabba constantly entertains and holds court from his high dais at one end of the room.

He, like me, is a hard working party guy, who loves to have friends and family over! Plus have you seen a picture of me – We could be twins!!!

13. Why, if you've been to NZ, do you keep calling it Australia?
Because I have the intellectual capacity of a duck on acid and the memory of a pregnant goldfish, having to talk and make sense is a hard process. Add that to the fact that they are very similar and I know how much it annoys you and you have your answer! – lol ;0*

14. Do you really think I'll let you get away with not Answering Questions – No but your obsessive compulsive disorder makes my own anality almost appealing?

Bloo, not sure I know how to answer your first question 15. Are you going to make the break from K and if so when?
Because I’m still not certain, I just know that things have got to change, but I’m scared and unsure of where I need to go to get changes. I’m afraid that’s the only answer I can give to that one.

16. Does question 1 count for 2 questions or 1 – took it as one.

17. How did you lose your driving licence – Ah long, long story - But cutting it short. I went out on my birthday with blond bimbo from work. Got very drunk, she said she could drive I gave her my keys, we got pulled up by Boys in Blue. They opened my door, whilst I was proclaiming I was giving her a driving lesson I fell out of the car and threw up.

Lost licence because I knowingly admitted to letting a provisional drunk driver take control of my car. Lesson learnt!

18. Should Alan Shearer be the next Newcastle Manager? Who?

19. Are you going on holiday with the 'What goes on on holiday, stays on holiday.' attitude or will we get details?
Details of course, but also have to say that I’m not proposing to do anything I shouldn’t be doing.

Briggsy said...
20. Why do you live in a trailer? - last year K and I reached yet another impasse and divorce was bandied about. I decided best option was for me to move out of house and into a trailer. We talked (are you recognizing a theme) and decided we would sell our house and move into the trailer as a transitional move.

I love it – I’ve never been very “materialistic” when it comes to bricks and mortar and most of my friends just accept that I was either going to end up in a trailer, barge or gypsy caravan.

21. Like Bloo, I want to know how you lost your licence - I refere the Lady back to Q17 – I liked that one!

22. What is D_Man talking about - The Attack? Hmmm going to cut this one very short. Four years ago I walked home from a party (drunk) and was attacked by three guys in a park about 500 yards from my home. I suffered some minor cuts, bruises and grazes and had much of my clothes removed or ripped. I was – and not sure how – lucky enough to get away.

23. Do you think being alone would be worse than being with K ?
No I really don’t mind the prospect of being on my own. I’m just unable to face the pain I will cause him if we do split up.

24. Your best day ?
Ever – hmmm Wedding day was pretty special, but then the day I passed my driving test was also very special to me – gave me a freedom I had never know.

But my 21st birthday was probably one of the highlights to date. It was just one of those perfect hedonistic days, I was surrounded by friends and family, we had a beautiful day on the beach drinking champagne and eating fruit, burying each other in the sand and playing dumb beach games. In the evening with sunburnt noses and shoulders we ate, bowled, got drunk(er) and talked.

Yeah that has to be one of my best days. But I also refer you D-Mans question “what is the most fun thing you have ever done” all of those days were pretty special too.

So thats it, done!

It has actaully been fun. Shucks D_man, I should never have doubted you!

Tig - Im it....

2005-05-20T11:42:00.000+01:00

Thanks to a rather drunken conversation this morning I am apparently "it".

Bugger and botheration.

This link to D-mans site explains it better than I could hope to - you will need to scroll down to the "blame Golf Widow Again" part.

In a nutshell "You are allowed to ask me up to four questions by posting them in the comments to this entry. You may ask anything. Nothing is off-limits as such."

Im hoping I dont have enough visitors to this site to do it!

pissed as a dizzy Ewok

2005-05-20T01:40:00.000+01:00

But listening to this - its 1.27 and loosing myself in sadness

I guess he's working late again
I don't need to wonder where he is
But I do!

He oughta know that by now.

I know his work takes a lot of him
There's not much left for him to give
But I need more!

He oughta know that by now.

It's not like he's gotta read my mind to know what I'm feelin' after all this time .

It's just too hard to hold on to what's never around
He oughta know that by now!

He used to promise soon things would change
It's been years and it's still the same
And that hurts.

He oughta know that by now!

I've grown so used to being alone
Couldn't be much worse if I were gone
And in a way I am.

He oughta know that by now!

It's not like he's gotta read my mind to know what I'm feelin' after all this time.

It's just too hard to hold on to what is never around
He oughta know that by now!

Heart ache and coffee at midnight motels
Leaving him was hard as hell
But I did.

And he oughta know that by now.

I didn't try to explain
No goodbye underneath my ring
That was all I left.

And he oughta know that by now.

That was all I left
he oughta know that by now!

The ultimate present

2005-05-19T18:45:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Marci for this one.

For those of you who like to plan ahead this has to be THE ULTIMATE Christmas stocking filler.

Which of us could resist the Lambrini flavoured ones!

Go on, show her how much you care!!!!

More presents.

2005-05-18T14:43:00.000+01:00

Okay, now Im just bursting with excitement. Hx has totally wound me up with pictures of our holiday and now Ive just got another present from Papa Sucre and Im like a three year old on red bull and six sherbet dips!!!

Not only can you change him from Good Angel to Evil Angel

but he comes with several outfits

Im just going to be so busy for the next couple of hours.

Thanks Papa S - I love him!

Chasing my weekend.

2005-05-17T21:50:00.000+01:00

Okay I seem to be chasing my blog so if your ready, take a deep breath and here we go.

Friday Night
Started off fairly healthy, went on a walk with Annemarie along the beach, about 3 miles, beautiful skies, fantastic sea but very windy, obviously forgot to take my camera - DOH!

K got in about 7.30 and we stumbled through the usual how was your day conversation. Luckily for the TV we didn't have to suffer this process for too long. Whilst drowning out the ripped top glory of Bruce Willis in "Die hard" I opened a bottle of wine. "Die Hard " was swiftly followed by "The Fellowship of the ring" and to drown out K's soft snores I opened up a second bottle.

As I sat watching a film I have seen twice, nay three times, whilst K snored happily for the third time through the ending I was hit by an urge to talk.

I looked at the clock, once, twice, got it in focus and there staring at me was the big hand on 6 and the little hand on 1 (1.30am Hx). Knowing that all my friends would politely to tell me to go play on a busy road if I called them at this time I did what any sensible minded person would do - I called Jerry in Australia.

He wasn't in, but his work colleague was and happily took a message from a drunken and flirty English woman. I fell asleep. Jerry called back, not quite sure at what time, but we talked and talked and talked.

And now I can firmly say I have another BOYfriend. Not a "boy friend" you kiss but a boy friend you talk to. "Huh?", "How did you get here?" I hear you ask.

Well there are a few things I will happily do with my girlfriends, pluck eyebrows, even assist with bikini waxes but mostly I feel able to talk to them and, so not to cut off the flow of important chatter, to pee when on the phone.

Jerry is now ficially firmly ensconced into the girlfriend/boyfriend league of friends.

Somewhere around 5am - my time - I released him to complete his Saturday in the way he felt necessary - cleaning!! - and promptly fell into an oblivion of sleep.

Saturday
I spent most of the day in bed, recovering from late night conversations and too much alcohol. I read lots and listened to K watching re-runs of "Steptoe and son". I cooked in the evening and we plunged ourselves once more into the goggle box.

Sunday
I woke refreshed and ready to solve my broadband problem. I wired in - all by meself - three new phone connections, one for our spare phone, one for the sky TV watsit thingy and one for broadband. K did the ironing and offered the occasional helping hand.

4pm I had broadband - Yeahaw!

4.02 I realised that my wireless keyboard had died and no matter how much I gnawed at my foot and cursed the techno gods it wasn't going to spring back into life - BUGGER! I past the rest of the afternoon attempting to update the puter as much as could with just a mouse.

Before I knew it 9pm had turned up and it was my turn to dominate the remote control as "House" started, I opened a bottle of wine and settled my fat arse on the sofa. Somewhere between "House" and "Nip/Tuck" I discovered that the bottle of wine I had been drinking had mysteriously evaporated - Dontcha just hate it when that happens - I must look into purchasing one of those bottle stop thingies, I believe they help eliminate that problem.

Reminded of my Friday night splurge and the need to cut down (*snort* sorry drink just spurted from my nose) I decided to be sensible and cracked open one of the beers K had left in the cupboard.

Five beers later and nothing on TV I pondered my inability to follow my own drinking rule "Beer before wine is fine, wine before beer is queer". When I'm drunk it always changes to "wine after beer is queer, beer before wine is fine!" Which means.... erm... bugger it, just drink! Not wanting to anger the hangover gods I drank a healthy lt of water, brushed my teeth and ate a banana!

Monday
Hangover gods were obviously appeased by my offering as I had only a "slight head" but nothing a good ole bike ride couldn't put right. Keefe had helpfully taken all my clothes (unsightly uniform) into work and the ride was just "Gaawjus" as Hx would say.

The rest of the day was spent fulla busy. I didn't need to talk to my mawanker at all. I've heard that communication helps but am becoming a firm believer in the "non communication route".

I finished work at a fantastic 4pm and returned home to my lovely trailer to cook the best broccoli and bean soup I've ever tasted. K came in and we grunted politely at each other then I fitted my newly borrowed keyboard and "hooray" I was once more back in the puter world, I may have said this before but "I love my puter!"

Tuesday
Spent this morning in a meeting about funding pretending I knew what I was talking about. *shushhhh* they don't know *wink, wink*.

Then left work at 3 - I love flexi hours - and spent the afternoon talking to a good friend, Papa S, on MSN. We talked recipes and I glowed in the loving light of my dharling puter and good chatter.

Then I discovered mail dropped off by my mummy and found this in a little white envelope

Hx *Huge sloppy kiss*.

He is truly small, soft and perfectly formed and will be loved and loved and I'm going to stick him in my pocket and never, ever loose him.
"Fank you very much" ;0) and sorry I squeeked - just plain excited!

K came in and we talked - Yeah, we talked, stuff about work, and holidays, and stuff. It was like having a proper conversation, and I'm sat here with a ginger ale blown away!!!.

So that's me, all waffled out and up to date.

All I can say is YEEHAW I got my puter back.

Three steps forward 697 back!!!

2005-05-13T10:28:00.000+01:00

Well what an amazing weekend/week.

Friday fun, Friday
Two major things happened last Friday - Firstly I booked my tickets to Almeria - is that right Hx - in Spain. All I know is its in the south and Im sooo giggly excited its unbelievable!

The second fun thing was Marci coming to visit - all the way from London - and it was wonderful.

We talked, I bemoaned and she, bless her little cotton socks - the blue ones - listened and listened and listened!

Friday night I cooked lots and we drank more. The evening was pleasantly female full of chat and laughter, at 10.30ish I suggested we walk off dinner, Marci and I donned our coats - K said it was too cold - and we headed out towards the light house.

Is it a star
As we approached the sea we were present to witness the creation of a new star. Both of us stood awe struck as the bright, bright star shone down upon the sea, so bright it cast a light of magical qualities upon the water. For minutes we stood contemplating this beautiful moment - our faces bathed in the majesty of nature.

Then our star started moving and was accompanied by a little red flickering to its side - feeling like idiots we realised we had been marveling at an incoming airplane!

Saturday the weather was beautiful in the morning but by 11.30 the clouds surrounded us and the rain began. In a desperate effort to find entertainment we hit the cinema, 2 odd hrs of entertainment was found in the form of the "Interpreter" obviously the natural accompaniment of icecream and revells helped the film immensely. "Hasnt Sean come on somewhat from Shanghi flop"

A night on the town
Saturday evening Marci and I went out and played with Annmarie. Annemarrie stayed sober whilst Marci and I plowed our way through a very nice Italian meal and several bottles of wine. We discussed life, love and sex lines and attempted to save the world from the injustices of finishing time and men with chewing gum.

On our way home we pondered the delights of a mad geordie girl who saw fit to run into the middle of the road and lay down. "WHY?" Before Annemarie could run her over she was quickly escorted off by the boys in blue - hurrah for the BiB' - unless of course its me they are picking up and putting in the back of their nasty van - different story!!!!

Not wanting to end the evening of good conversation and soul searching Annemarie drove us to the Lighthouse and we went and watched the drug dealers and sexual active play out their Saturday evenings. For me the rest of the evening was pretty much a warm fluffy blurr but I have to say thank you to Annemarie for getting us home safely and thank you to Marci for helping me deal with my sofa bed issues - This may become a new guest game!!!

Points of interest garnered from Marci - I do snipe at K and he snipes at me, generally for no apparent reason. She has advised me to try and reword my "requests". For example instead of jumping straight in, tutting, and screaming "open the frigging window you moron from hell" I'm now using "K there is a lot of smoke in here at the moment, would you mind opening the window" and my favourite "if you don't want to use a plate fine, but here is the hoover!" Not used that one yet because he has actually not had a sandwich without a plate *gasp*.

She also told me - rather too sensibly - that no one but me could decide whether I stay or go, "Why not" screeched the mini me that doesnt want to deal with the pain lay upon the floor legs and arms flailing in temper tantrums and tears "your my friend, you do it".

"Because its not up to anyone else, its going to hurt you and K and you have to decide if what you have is enough and if it isn't its your decision to get out." No mollycoddling and "it will be okay" just plain truth - the same truth I hear from all my friends, but from Marci who has just gone through such a horrid illness and still manages to ooze self awareness and a certain sense of serenity the truth seemed real - God I hate her - not really!

Sunday morning, with a head that didn't know if it wanted a hangover or not, I made fruit smoothies for me and Marci and then we headed back out for another walk. Fresh air ideal for eliminating potential hangover heads!

We saw some strange birds, that made weird little noises and I took Marci up to my favourite spot.

We stood contemplating nature at its best but sadly the cold and wind forced us home.

We were actually very lucky, just as we approached the trailer the heavens opened and hailstones speew-ed forth. God I love the sound of hailstones on the trailer roof - its like being tickled all over!

Mid afternoon Marci, bags packed climbed into her little car, armed with salmon sandwiches and fruit she headed off to Manchester.

A bloody brilliant visit and I felt a sadness comparable to watching the last programme of Buffy fill my pitiful little heart. K and I spent much of the afternoon doing our own thing - he listening to music and me reading. But it wasn't unpleasant!

Rosie entertained me by playing with a rabbit, I'm sure she was trying to convince it to come into the trailer for supper. Just a bit worried about whether she would have dined with it or on it.

The Working week and holidays
Monday merged rather efficiently into sunday - isnt it clever how that happens and work busied me. Now you may remember me talking about my mawanker some time back complaining that he wouldn't let me do my usual mail out to learners. Well because he hasn't pulled his finger out the "glossy brochure" that was supposed to go out hasn't even been drafted and I've been given the go ahead to do my mail shot - Yeee HAW!

Tuesday toddled in and one of my favourite learners called in just to say hello. I love this job.

Wednesday wiggled forth and a niggling thought began to pound upon my conscious. Marci had suggested we - K and I - join her in visiting a mutual friend Graeme F in Belfast for the weekend following the bank holiday weekend. So up to my eyeballs in work I decided to do what all of us do and surf the net, looking for tickets.

For us to travel on Friday and return on Sunday would cost a HUGEMONGEOUS £120 odd pennies but if we could return Monday morning it would only mean £56 pennies - now to me this made sense, but K in the past has been adamant that he cant take time off work. He is contracted to work through term time and only take holidays through the school holiday periods, so I left it.

But the thought that it was only "one morning, not a week" kept niggling me and I kept returning back to stare at the easy jet screen searching for inspiration. I talked to Marci, then taking the bull by the horns I phoned K. I explained the situation and in true style he said he wouldn't be able to take the time off.

But I pushed "its only one morning - you'll be back to lock up, cant you just ask" remembering Marcie's "worms of wisdom" I added "look just ask for me, if they say no we can book the tickets for Sunday, but you wont know till you ask". So he went off to ask, but couldn't find anyone. So all fired up he phoned me back and told me to book the tickets "what could they do - fire me".

Thursday toddled in and brought forth not only tickets to Spain but tickets to Ireland. I cant believe it not only am I off to Spain at the end of June, I'm also off to Ireland. This holiday malarky is just like busses - you don't see one for years then suddenly wham bam two come along. How excited is me?

So today - Friday the 13th loomed this morning and thanks to Hx I remebered to salt my door step and cat flap and cycled into work. The morning was beautiful and as we all know, and Jonathan Cainer reiterated, al this fear stuff is down to Paraskevidekatriaphobia!

Twelve is traditionally a number of 'completion'. The tribes of Israel, apostles, numbers on the clock face, signs of the zodiac. That's partly why thirteen - one beyond perfection - is associated with disruption. It is also because there are twelve months in a modern 'male' solar year and thirteen in a natural 'female' lunar year. Add this to the belief that Eve tempted Adam with the apple on a Friday and it looks as if Paraskevidekatriaphobia (fear of Friday 13th) is based almost entirely on sexism!

So it was with no great surprise that I got honked at three times by men in white vans and the guy who has been cycling past me for the last two months every morning this morning smiled.

So that's my week, no closer to knowing what I'm doing, but happy because of it.

How was yours?

Which SuperhHero are you?

2005-05-09T08:27:00.000+01:00

Your Superhero Identity For Today Is:
Name: Golden Woman
Secret Identity: Shannon Browning
Special Power: Mystical Ears
Transportation: Alien Scooter
Weapon: Dimensional Cannon
Costume: Golden Snow Suit
Sidekick: Jumpin' Jim
Nemesis: Harold the Sneaky
Tragic Flaw: Addicted to squash
Favorite Food: Melon

This is all so TRUE!

Who are you?

Roses and apologies!!!

2005-05-06T09:29:00.000+01:00

Please don't shout - I know all I'm probably doing is banging a nail into my left foot and running round in circles but...

K turned up last night with roses - red and yellow (manipulative git) and eyes full of sadness. He apologised, said he had been wrong, said he knew he wasn't trying, said I was anal and a nag - but cant deny that, said he would try harder, said he loved me...

and I...

...I said ok.

This morning though I've got this song going round my head:

Shut up and drive

You don't know what you're talking about

He's not the one

You ought to know that by now

You've got one of those hearts

That keeps changing your mind

Your heart has a way of making you stay

So shut up and drive .

Don't look in the mirror

He might have that look in his eyes

The one that's so strong

It strangles your will to survive

He's mastered the art

Of looking sincere

His eyes have a way of making you stay

Don't look in the mirror.

I'm the voice you never listen to

And I had to break your heart to make you see

That he's the one who will be missing you

And you'll only miss the man

That you wanted him to be

Turn the radio on

To drown out the sound of goodbye

Blink back the tears

Show me you've still got your pride

Just get yourself lost

In a sad country song

Those guys that they play

Know just what to say

Turn the radio on.

I'm the voice you never listen to

And I had to break your heart to make you see T

hat he's the one who will be missing you

And you'll only miss the man
That you wanted him to be

Shut up and drive

Don't look in the mirror

Turn the radio on

Get out of here

Shut up and drive

My main problem is I don't get my license back till July!!!

Oh my god - I used the D word and it wasn't D-man!

2005-05-05T07:42:00.000+01:00

I've spent a lot of time musing over when I was going to have the conversation or as I like to refer to it start along the relationship road and someone, mention no names, very recently said to me it will just happen. Only I just didn't expect it to happen last night in the way that it did.

Firstly I need to set the scene. Did I hear you yawn?

A couple of weeks ago Hx said she was going on holliers in Spain and I thought it would be lovely to join her, so I raised the question of Holidays with K. Obviously he didn't know what holidays he could take but did say he could only take time off in school holidays. I kinda questioned whether he would be bothered if I went on my own. He shrugged and said "suppose not". To which I in my infinite womanly way read as "Nope, go hunney, have fun".

So last night I queried again about holidays, I had decided that if he had less time off than me I would definitely book the tickets. He still hadn't bothered to find out what holiday entitlement he had, so I raised the question again - this time I got the response "I suppose so, if you can afford it".

Happy in my own little world of holiday plans I yabbered on about the soup I had done for our tea, explaining "we would have to stop off on our way to the Valley Players AGM to pick up some bread but at least we could have something quick when we got back".
"huh" he said.
"The AGM - its tonight" said I.
"oh f**k that's all I need, well I suppose we had better get going then" said he.

So off we set. Both of us seated in the car, seat belts belted and Keefe doing his myopic reversing. I looked over my shoulder and saw a car approaching from the left - fast!.

"Stop" I yelled. The car continued to reverse "K watch it". The car continued its inexplicable journey backwards. The other car beginning to swerve. "K WATCH IT- THERE IS A CAR" the breaks finally compressed and we stopped. The other car driver looked at us as if we were obviously mad reversy people!!!

"Didn't you see it?" I asked "Didn't you hear me say stop?"

Snarling "I saw it in the rear view mirror, I was stopping".

"Yeah but I saw it approaching, you just didn't listen to me" I whined.

"I couldn't see it cause you were in the way"

"You said you saw it"

"Not till it was in the rear view mirror."

"Well why didn't you stop when I said stop?"

"We didn't f**king hit it!"

I fumed silently and looked out the window, we had an AGM to get to and so far we had only traveled about 200 yards. I couldn't stop my mouth as it muttered "I was just saying I saw it and said stop, you just don't listen to me"

"OOOOhhhh and your always right" mutter mutter mutter he went.

As we approached the junction to leave the holiday park I said "look I saw it, I said stop"

"Oh shut up you stupid b**ch".

I exploded with a cold anger and replied, with a non too pithy or intelligent, "No YOU shut up you barstuard".

The door was flung open and I flung myself from the car slamming NiKolas Paul Viscount Peabody's door like I had never slammed it before. I stormed towards the trailer muttering under my breath about AGM's, Men and the world "flucking" itself.

K was in the living room as I entered the trailer and he snarled at me "So what the F**k is up with you now".

"Whats up with me - is that I'm not prepared to have you speak to me like that any more, I wont be called a bitch or be told to shut up".

The way I talk to you, your having a f**king laugh! What about the way you talk to me? I've tried to do everything you ask me and every time I do something I'm just F**king criticised.

"Well" I taunted, voice snide, "Perhaps if you did things properly I wouldn't have anything to criticise".

"Oh for F**ks sake what the F**k have I done wrong this F**king time.

"I'm not even going to get into the K" I almost screamed at him "It would take too F**king long and you wouldn't listen anyway". Off I stormed into the smallest bedroom in the trailer and stood clenching my fists, trying to calm down.

Two deep breaths later and before I could stop myself I was back in the hall and in a deathly calm voice I heard myself saying "K if that's really how you feel then we've got nothing else to say - perhaps we should talk about Divorce" (The D Word - for Hx)

"Oh now, it comes" he gloated at me, hands gyrating in some sort of suedo black hip hopster way. "I f**king knew it", I've waited for two weeks for this. You f**king selfish bitch. I've done every thing you have ever asked (my eye brow almost hit the roof) I've given up everything to be with you, I moved from London, I gave up our house and I moved into this f**king shit hole and "I f**king knew it, I just knew this was going to all go f**king pear shaped. Ever since you f**king mentioned that stupid f**king holiday two weeks ago.

"Holiday" I fumed back at him. "This has got nothing to do with the holiday and its not just been a few weeks. This has been going on for months, the reason I wanted to go on the holiday was to get the f**k away from you".

What the f**k is it you want. F**king romance and f**king flowers all the time?

Our eyes locked, almost panting in anger I replied "No K, not all the time, just some of the time would have been nice". He turned and stormed back into the Living room and I stormed into the bedroom searching for something to do.

Ironing! - ironing calms me down, so I did what I do best when I'm upset - I pulled out the ironing board and went in search of something to iron. Calm ... calm.... calm....

7 sweatshirts, 8 t-shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of my work trousers and a couple of tops and I was a calm, centered soul - didn't I already know this was going to come one day!

I walked out into the living room and K was doing what he does best - watching TV and feeding his face. I put some of my homemade soup into a bowl and put it into the microwave - seeking calm I left the living room and went off to find something else to occupy my mind.

Filing - So I filed all our old correspondence - shredding the necessary bits and pieces - the small world of destruction calming me. The mircrowave pinged and I returned to the living room to see K sprawled on the sofa watching some bizarre horror flick where a woman was being murdered, cigarette in his hand and the FUCKING WINDOW CLOSED!!!!!

One of the things I've asked K to do on a regular basis - because I gave up smoking two years ago - is open the window when he is having a cigarette, I'm sure he only did it to annoy me - I could be jumping to conclusions - but doors were slammed and I could have "tutted" my way to a gold medal.

I returned to the little bed room and continued to tidy up. I contemplated sleeping in there but then thought "no why should I be uncomfortable" (not that the bed is in the least bit uncomfortable, its actually quite snuggly) and went through to our bedroom where I leisurely prepared myself for bed - Shower, moisturised, eyebrow pluck et al, I climbed between clean sheets and read myself into noddy head land.

About 11.30 I felt the second duvet (I always sleep with two duvets on my bed) being pulled off the bed. I didn't move. The cold swept in and I lay contemplating a night with only one duvet, Rosie came and joined me and I pulled her under the covers not just for warmth but for a much needed cuddle. She purred in my ear and soothed the welling tears.

At 12.30 I crept (crept in my own home) into the spare bedroom and sneaked the spare duvet back into the bedroom - warm again I crawled under the covers and hibernated from the hurt.

This morning I lay from 5.40am listening to K shuffling round the trailer; coughing his way through his much required coffee and morning cigarettes. K left at 6.38 - two minutes before my alarm was due to bid me into the world of work.

So when all is said and done I guess I've started down that strange road I saw last week. I'm still not sure, even with D_mans advice about Ewoks, about this journey - to tell you the truth I'm bloody scared!

Elvis - the concert.

2005-05-04T10:02:00.000+01:00

Now you might be forgiven for wondering "huh" "how" and some of you may even be going down the "why" track. But for Christmas I purchased for K two tickets to go and see this "live" concert. The original band were playing and the "Sweet sensations" and the "Stamps" were accompanying, along with all the other Elvis cronies.
Now I used to be a huge EP fan in my youth but as time passed my music tastes changed and his "albulbums" were consigned to the charity shop along with the much kissed EP mirror that used to hang above my bed.

Then, much to my families amusement, I married a stalwart Elvis fan. K has probably got most of his albums either on vinyl or tape and has duplicates in CD/DVD format of much of the mans work. He can name band members and dates songs were published, he can also name that tune in one - not only supplying the title of the song but, if required, which edition was actually released.

This present then was a great one for him and a night out for me.

We set off towards Newcastle Arena in silence. We misplaced the arena for a while but eventually got onto the right road and found a place to park, we approached the arena in almost total silence, we found our seats - Slap bang in the middle right near the front - Great seats!

K went for beer and I sat and people watched. There was a huge variety of folks surrounding us. Folks ranging from 6 to 90, People dressed up as the man himself, some good some very nasty (I'm saying nothing but if your 5.6 and over 2o stone you really shouldn't wear white lycra - not matter what) and others just sporting thier own Elvis t.shirts/Shirts/wigs!!!

K returned with beer and we sat in silence staring at the stage. I spilt my beer down the back of a guy sat in front of us and spent 10 minutes mortified apologising and attempting to smear the beer further down his shirt - a big thanks to the lady with tissues and sorry to beer back guy!

Then the lights dimmed and the show began.

Elvis's signature tour song "2001 Odyssey" music filled the stadium and the crowed howled in adoration. K was suddenly animated and cheering - I have to say it was "FANTASTIC".

There were three main screens - the middle screen played old footage and the two side screens flipped between close ups of the band members and old footage and pics of the man himself. I was mesmerised; there were a couple of sections that he talked to the audience and for moments you forgot he was actually dead.

The only sad moment was as the band struck up "You've lost that loving feeling" K turned to me and said "They're playing our tune". Needless to say the darkness hid the tears and I was glad to return back to the trailer in silence.

World Travelling or is it domination!

2005-05-04T09:29:00.000+01:00

Between Hx and myself we can happily say... been there!

Create your own Map

still got a fair bit to see though!!!

As we plod on...

2005-04-28T09:01:00.000+01:00

The Play
Pygmalion is a hit - we've had two great audiences and the cast have done a real good job. The Sound though - God I should be doing it full time!

Seriously though there were a few "hic-cups"; a bit of the set was put on backwards, a couple of dropped lines and last night the two leads decided to skip two pages of text but who in the audience was to know! Everyone I spoke to really enjoyed it and it enthused me to climb back up on stage and see if I could find my very own banana skin.

Last night tonight so it will be one of tears, crashed sets and copious amounts of air kissing *Dhaling you were dhivine*.

The relationship
I think Ive done plenty of plodding these last few weeks/months and last night I made my first stride towards a different path *sigh*.

Now Im not saying Im actually going to rush down this new path, Im stood contemplating the view ahead of me and whilst it looks a little scary it also looks manageable - there's a couple of hills, a few scary forests (maybe I will see dragons and Ewoks!) but Im beginging to feel that with my friends to accompany me and bottle or seven it might be the route.

Technology
Im prone to loose it, drop it down the toilet or forget to switch the bally stuff on but this morning I beat my head upon my desk and howled at the tech gods who thwart my very existence when I switched my mobile on and read the follow message "Ive kissed a boy".

Hooorahhhh

Just goes to prove that life does go on!

Another of those tests - Life path number

2005-04-26T13:52:00.000+01:00

Made me laugh - but then also a little true!!!

Your Life Path Number Is 11

11

Your life path is greatly associated with spiritual awareness.
As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others.
The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured.
These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society.

The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets.
Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures.
You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance.
Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature.
You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.

On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this.
For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult.
This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression.
You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak.
There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life.

Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical.
You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer.
When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high.
Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

The Weekend passed.

2005-04-25T15:27:00.000+01:00

The meal
I was going to blog about our night out but I'm fed up of sounding like a severely depressed wife, so I'm just going to say the meal was gorgeous - definitely up to its usual standards; if it wasn't the lack of conversation might have put a dampener on the whole evening, as it was I had some great nosh and happily slurped my way through a bottle of wine - cause I can!

Pygmalion
Yep another play coming up, technical rehearsal took place on Sunday and went well, at least K and I didn't argue that much. K is doing lights and rather than treading the boards I've decided to do sound this time. The play itself is awful, but the cast and Madeline the producer have done a good job with a fairly non-descript script. I've not done sound for years so I'm a bit hessed up about it, but there are no complicated sound effects so its should be fairly easy. Full tec and dress tonight and the first night is tomorrow.

Tina the bunny slayer

So far we have had three live mice, two dead and three live bunnies - all of whom have been liberated without a scratch. This time though the girls must have got a bit rough

So this is the first dead one - Owwwww!

Update on the streaks
Someone today told me I was looking very brown I showed them my legs and oh how they laughed.